An Affair With History (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} historic_affair) wrote,@ 2008-06-27 16:15:00 |
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Title: An Affair With History
Authors: GoldenGardenias and SunsetDawn20
Rating: PG to NC-17
This Chapter: PG-13
Summary: This is the third chapter of our Pirates of the Caribbean/Master and Commander crossover fic; filled with various pairings. To learn more, visit the site for this story. HERE
This Chapter: It's the day of the gathering at Governor Swann's
A/N: Blue parts are written by GoldenGardenias, Brown by SunsentDawn20.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Things were already not going as planned. His dress uniform had not arrived yet, and he still had no servants. So he had to rush about in heating his own water, and rummaging through his chests to find his bath oils, soaps, and shampoos. Travelling the world allowed him to find a variety, and he had always had a weak spot for sweet smelling things. He carefully bathed, and brushed out his long hair, pulling it back into a queue with a dark green ribbon. He was going to just wear his daily uniform, but it was far too shabby for the event. He innerly wished fashion weren't so important. But finally he decided on his civilian dress clothes, thankful they still fit, lord only knew the last time he'd worn them. A white shirt and cravat, with a light green frock coat embroidered with dark green and white, as well as breeches in the same colour. White stockings, black shined shoes with silver buckles, and a dark green jacket.
He looked at himself in the mirror, before moving away... only to go back and look at himself again. He was nervous, stomach flopping, and hands shaking. He took a deep breath, staring into the mirror a moment before he turned on his heel and forced himself to leave. He took a finally crafted walking cane with him, as he had opted to simply walk to the Governor's Mansion instead of taking a carriage. He looked every bit the elegant, sophisticated gentleman... though the scar did throw off the appearance just a tad. But he held his head high, and back straight. Simply faking the confidence he wished he was feeling.
“How can anybody in their right minds enjoy this?” Elizabeth’s voice was a strange mixture of innocent astonishment and deep loathing. James was standing beside one of the open windows with her so they could escape the insufferably thick cloud of various hideous perfumes. As soon as James had entered the Governor’s House, Elizabeth had dragged him to that window, obviously relived that she had someone to talk to, who didn’t think that discussing fashion and interior decoration was the most that could be expected from a young woman. Ever since then they were trying to hide their loathing towards the other guests and up to now they did a very good job at avoiding anybody to join them. Although, that was probably because all of the guest were not so discretely gossiping about their supposed undying love and very much awaited marriage. If only they knew.
James found it quite amusing, in fact, that nobody even suspected that what they thought of as whispered confessions of love were in reality quite rude insults to them on Elizabeth’s part. She was quite in a mood today. Apparently she had planned to sneak out of the house at night to swim in the sea under the pale light of the full moon – naked, of course – but couldn’t because of this party she hated more than playing the piano – which said something.
“Just look at them, James! Wooing and giggling and posing. Aren’t they ridiculous? ” She asked forcing a smile on her face as one of Port Royal’s “respectable ladies”, meaning terrible gossips, of course, passed by them.
“You even have to ask, Elizabeth?” James said as he made a great show of stepping a bit closer to her – it wouldn’t hurt to give the guests some more to gossip about. This was what they would always do with Elizabeth. They would stand together, laugh about the ridiculous upper class of Port Royal and pretend to be mad about each other, which kept the men away from Elizabeth and the women away from James – it was perfect.
They both knew of course that this couldn’t last forever. Sooner or later they would either have to marry or split up and marry someone else. James hoped for the first, he didn’t like stupid women, and Elizabeth was the only relatively smart girl in town. But she most probably hoped for a beautiful Prince Charming to come for her on his white horse (meaning of course a charming pirate who would kidnap her and force her to live on his ship) and rescue her from her evil fate. She put her slender hand on his shoulder and leaned close to his cheek – she was really overdoing it sometimes, James thought.
“Don’t you just want to keel haul each and every one of them?” she asked.
“What on Earth have you been reading lately, Elizabeth? You know, what, I don’t want to know.” And this time his smile was sincere – he really liked this wild girl, if only it could really be more than friendship that he felt.
Tom had to pause for the second time already this night, attempting to prepare himself for the spectacle that was a public gathering. They almost didn't let him in, even as he introduced himself. It was a wonder that the good Governor Swann had been passing at that moment. The older man had him inside with a whoosh of flowery brocade, feathers, and heavy cologne. The man was utterly charming, to be honest, Tom liked him at first sight. He spoke with such flourish, and humour that it would be a shame for someone not to like the friendly old man. He was a very proper gentleman, with a childish gleam in his eyes and a way with people.
Before Tom knew it, he'd been brought halfway around the room, and had several girls tagging along. Now that the governor had been so kind as to introduce him as Port Royal's newest, most eligible bachelor, because in Weatherby's mind, it was set that James would marry his beloved daughter. It took only a moment for that news to spread, and suddenly he was surrounded by hens attempting to introduce him to their daughters. All giggling and fluttering their fans, wafting perfume all around him and filling his lungs with their over powering scent. He subtly raised and arm to his face, breathing in the mango spray he'd lavished his clothes in. His own scent, was not nearly as over powering as the chicken’s flocking around him. He had bathed in a citrus bath with oils he'd gotten in the Indies, and washed his hair with the rest of the shampoo he'd blended on the way across the ocean. In short, he smelled like a warm Caribbean breeze being swept over the ocean with a hint of tea, which he'd had to calm his nerves earlier.
He attempted to excuse himself, making towards the breeze he could feel from behind, a glass of wine clutched in long fingers. He was sure he was going to need a lot more to survive the women. But he was smiling anyway. He had always been second show to Jack, used to fading into the background with the other officers and married men. This was a definite change for him.
“Who’s that handsome young man, over there?” Elizabeth suddenly asked, poking James almost painfully in the rib with her fan.
“What handsome man? Elizabeth I am really hurt, how can you even look at any other man when you have the privilege to have me as company?” he asked, playfully slapping that dangerous accessory away that Elizabeth was known to use at least as effectively as a sword. “Where is he, I can’t see anybody.”
“Over there, with all those dim-witted women. Poor man. Someone so handsome shouldn’t have to endure such torture. Don’t you think we should rescue him?” she smiled at her friend, but her smile soon faded away as she saw how James froze as he set eyes on the young man. He looked worried and almost sick. “Are you all right, James?” The concern in her voice made him tear his eyes off Tom but he still found it difficult to find his voice – apparently that mysterious young man had a strange effect on his vocal cords.
“Yes… yes, I’m fine. It’s just so… hot in here.” he said, knowing that he couldn’t fool her and praying that the Governor, who finally came to rescue Tom from those flesh-eating harpies, wouldn’t think of introducing him to his daughter – a feeble hope, but a hope nonetheless.
Perhaps fate continued to put Tom into James' path for a reason. Because of course Weatherby was going to bring him along to meet his lovely daughter. And the look of relief on Tom's face was more than a little obvious, and his smile became much more genuine. It even lit up those incredibly blue eyes, and for a few moments was completely directed at James, before he looked down somewhat shyly, and forced his gaze over to Elizabeth.
"Miss. Swann, it is a pleasure." He said, taking her hand, bowing at the waist and pressing a kiss to her knuckles, before standing straight once more. "Your father has been sure to introduce me to as many people as his presence will allow." Speaking of which, the Governor was called away yet again. He smiled at Tom, and patted him on the back before moving away. Tom brought his eyes back to James, bowing his head slightly in respect, even though they were off duty.
"Sir, I hope you do not mind my civil clothes. It would seem my dress uniform is among those of my belongings that have not arrived yet.”
James could only shake his head slightly and barely managed a whispered “Not at all.” He was desperately trying to will away the unwanted effects of the other man’s closeness and of those smiling eyes, while trying not to notice Elizabeth’s shocked amusement. This was becoming ridiculous, when did he turn into a brainless giggling girl, who blushed and fainted at the sight of a handsome man? He should say something. He really should. But he couldn’t think of anything even remotely proper to say so he settled for opening his mouth and saying the first thing that came to his mind.
“I… hope you didn’t catch a cold… Lieutenant.” he said finally, immediately regretting it. Great. Just great. Why did he have to remind the other man of that fiasco?
“What on earth are you talking about, James?” Elizabeth asked apparently very amused by his sudden inability of proper communication. Great, now he had to tell her everything and humiliate both Tom and himself in front of her. And even worse, she would immediately know something was wrong between them. She just knew him too well. The best would be if he just cut out his tongue once and for all then at least he wouldn’t have to bother with talking. Good plan.
"I, being the brilliant person I am, tripped over a coil of rope on the dock today, Miss. Swann. I managed to toss myself feet over head into the water." He laughed softly at himself. "Quite an impression if I do say so myself. But at least the good Captain knows now that I can swim." He smiled at her, even though he really rather wanted to look at James. "I fear I have not made a good name for myself already. I have arrived just only yesterday afternoon, and I have found myself lacking." He looked down, attempting to hide the frown on his face, and the fall of his eyes. "I fear I am disliked, Miss. Swann, if I am to be completely honest with you. At least by those whose liking towards me would matter most." He glanced at James before drinking from his glass. He brightened again, though this time, his smile was not true, it did not show in his eyes.
"But really, why must I say such things to dampen spirits! How utterly selfish of me." He looked into Elizabeth's eyes, he always felt that eye contact bettered communication. "Are you enjoying yourself Miss. Swann. Though it is such a shame to be trapped indoors. It's such a lovely evening, the perfect weather for a swim." He said, looking out the window to the ocean the beyond the fort below. Elizabeth’s warm laughter filled the room immediately and for a moment made everybody look at the three of them before they all continued their terribly important discussions about the weather.
“See, James, I told you he deserved better than those furies over there. Don’t worry, Lieutenant Pullings, you have mastered the first challenge marvellously. Are you ready for your reward?” And without waiting for his answer, she patted both his shoulders with her fan and cheerfully said: “Hereby I make you one of my favourite people in Port Royal – honestly, there aren’t a lot, it’s a selected group of a few very unique people, like dear James here. From now on you may call me Elizabeth, in private, and in exchange for NOT treating me as a fine lady, I promise you to protect you from those hideous creatures you could barely escape from. Agreed?” she asked with a bright smile and held out her hand to the young man one more time, but this time not for a kiss but a handshake.
Tom’s eyes brightened at that, taking her hand and shaking it, though delicately all the same, as he knew he had sailor's hands, and a strong grip and would wish it on no woman.
"I am honoured Miss. Swann. I would insist you do the same and call me Tom. Though, whenever you should please, as I have never been able to deny a pretty face." He couldn't help but tease, and give her a wink. Though he was almost surprised to find he was not actually attracted to her in the least. She was really a beautiful young woman. "But I should treat you as I would my younger sister, Catherine. I see the same flair for life in your eyes as she had in hers."
He was trying amazingly hard not to look at James. He was also trying not to move closer to him, though every time someone touched him in attempt to scoot by, he would move just a little closer. And was amazed to find the closer he was to James, the more at ease he felt in the crowded home.
"She used to have me read her adventurous tales of pirates and thieves, such a wild heart she was. I think the two of you would have gotten on quite well, in fact. Something tells me you enjoy a greatly romanticized tale or two about pirates."
“Who are you, the Devil in disguise? How dare you know more about me than I know about you?” she smiled playfully at him. “James, take care, if you don’t watch your back, I’ll elope with Tom and you’ll have to marry Lillian Bones.” she added with faint disgust and obvious amusement in her voice. She was aiming for one of his very rare shy smiles and was quite disappointed that he didn’t even seem to listen.
“James, what’s the matter with you? Believe me, Tom, normally he’s not so silent. And he has a rather lovely smile only reserved for close friends. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, it might have something to do with your staggering good looks, though.”
James couldn’t help but choke on his drink at this and as he tried to will away his violent coughing he even dropped his glass that shattered on the floor. Of course, she meant it as a joke, she just wanted to make them laugh, James tried to convince his madly beating heart but he found himself unable to calm down.
“James are you…”
“Yes… yes, I’m… I’m fine… I… just need some fresh air. Excuse me.” he said, rushing out into the garden without even looking at either Tom or Elizabeth.
Tom winced, watching him go before setting his own glass on the windowsill and crouching down to pick up the pieces of glass off the floor rather hurriedly. Standing once he was finished, absently holding the shards in his left hand.
"I'm sorry... I should have known better..." He looked at her, and looked down at the mess of wine on the floor. "He's not fond of me, Miss. Swann." He said, and swallowed hard before looking up at her. His eyes speaking everything he could not, he looked like a scolded puppy.
"He's been this way since I reported to his office yesterday... I thought it would be alright to show up early... he... He won't speak to me. Asking if I'd caught cold was the most he's ever said to me. He... won't even look at me. I had hoped, he being a Naval man, my scar would not affect him like those in England." His hands were curling into fists in his nervousness. He just blurted everything out to Elizabeth.
"I'm sorry... I should not speak so freely... I... this is not my place. I should have known better. I had just hoped... that..." He cut himself off, looking out the window, he didn't even notice how tightly he was gripping the shards of fine crystal in his hand.
“No, I’m sure it’s something else.” Elizabeth shook her head slightly, still looking at the door where James had left. “Jamie is not someone to judge by appearances. I have never seen him like this before, except maybe once… back in England… but I was just a little girl then, all I noticed was that he was less fun to play with…” She spoke more to herself than to Tom, almost forgetting she wasn’t alone. But slowly, the meaning of the young man’s words broke through the barriers of her own thoughts and she turned to face him. He looked so forlorn, and hurt.
“Tom…” she noticed a tiny drop of blood slowly travelling down his fingers and almost gasped. “Tom, your… give that to me.” she said firmly as she forced his palm open and put the shards of James’ glass beside Tom’s glass on the windowsill. She then took her handkerchief and carefully bound Tom’s hand as she spoke.
“Tom, believe me, I have known him all my life, he’s not the way you just saw him. And I’m sure his behaviour has nothing to do with you, at least not with your scar. I don’t know why you think it would make anybody find you less attractive. Haven’t you realized how all those weird feathery creatures reacted to you? And they may not know anything else but they can smell good looks from miles.” She held his palm in her pale hands, trying to force that addictive smile back to those beautiful features. “And don’t you worry about being honest with me. Believe me, I won’t tell my faithful servants to chop your ungrateful head off. That would be too much of a sacrifice for me too…”
"It's different here, I suppose." He smiled softly at her, and looked around, "In a way." He absently rubbed his face, and looked at the woman before him. "Thank you, Miss. Swann. You are the first to show me kindness in quite some time. I'm not sure I know how to handle it." He gave a soft laugh. "It would seem I'm completely out of my element on land. I have to re-teach myself how to act in society. Ship life is ever so different. Everything that matters here means nothing aboard a ship. After months at sea, it becomes easy to forget the confines of speech and society." He looked out the window. "Do you think... perhaps I should see what's the matter with Captain Norrington? I think I should like to confront him as well... perhaps a weight would be lifted from both our shoulders.”
Elizabeth smiled softly. It was so endearing to see how much James’ approval meant to Tom already. But she wasn’t surprised, nobody could help loving James. Not even Will, and that meant something – Will was not someone who could love easily. But when he loved, he loved completely and fatally, something Elizabeth both admired and feared. But this was not the time to think of Will, so she forced herself back to reality and looked at Tom, who looked almost eager to run after James and confront him about his strange behaviour. She knew that if James was truly mad at Tom, this would be the worst the man could do. James was likely to just turn even more away from him. But she was sure that whatever James felt for Tom, it was not hatred or anger, or at least so she hoped.
“Yes, maybe that would help.” she said, placing a kiss on two fingers and pressed them to Tom’s scar. “Good luck, Tom.” His eyes softened, and he gave her a smile as he blushed.
"Thank you, Miss. Swann." He said, bowing his head before taking his leave. Avoiding all chirping women, and managing to escape into the garden. It was truly a lovely night. A cool ocean breeze swirling through the air, the moon was full, giving the expansive garden a sort of heavenly look to it. He forgot his purpose a moment as he idly walked down the path. But out of sight of onlookers, and rather deep into the garden he remembered why he'd come out to the garden in the first place. So then he began to search, the earth covering the sound of his steps, the wind pulling him to pick up his pace. His heart was pounding in his chest, his body vibrating with excitement. And he'd be damned if he could understand why.
And then he saw him. Or at least the tall silhouette of his commander, framed against the moon, which looked impossibly big from this part of the world. He took a breath, moving forwards. Taking care to come up behind James, so he'd not have the chance to run. He lifted his uninjured hand, and placed it firmly on the other man's shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze to alert James of his presence. He could have sworn he'd felt an electric shock pulse through him as making contact with the other's person. But he didn't speak, wouldn't utter a word until James did. He was determined. He wanted the other man to speak to him... or show him some sort of sign. He just wanted to know... anything. Anything at all.
James, of course, knew they would come after him. The only question was if Elizabeth came out herself or if she’d send her newest subject. But as he heard the silent footsteps behind his back, he knew immediately who he’d have to face. He knew it was Tom as he felt the heat of a body behind his back – he felt it, even if their bodies never touched – and he felt a light but strong hand resting on his shoulder. It made him shiver. Strangely enough he didn’t feel the nervousness and confusion he had felt before, every time he met the other man. He was calm now. But his calmness unsettled him more than his nervousness had. He knew he had a decision to make. This moment would most probably decide everything. He could choose to be cold and even rude – it wouldn’t make much of a difference after his behaviour of the past two days – and then, maybe, they could both escape. That’s what he should do, he knew it. It was the right decision – for both of them.
But he found that he couldn’t. It was not a choice he could make. This choice had been made for them already, long before they have first met. Because since they first saw each other it was clear they had to fall and break. He could run from it, but he wouldn’t be able to run for ever. He would fall again. He suddenly turned around to face Tom, looked him in the eye and held out his hand to the man.
“I’m Captain James Norrington.”
Tom was startled a moment, but then a grin broke out over his face. He was unable to look anywhere but James' eyes, and for once, he didn't try to.
"Lieutenant Thomas Pullings, it's an honour to finally meet you, Captain." He said, almost breathlessly, taking the other's hand, and giving it a shake. Though seeming to forget the moment after that he was still, in fact, holding it. "I was becoming” he licked his suddenly dry lips. Those green eyes were drawing him in, pulling him down... deeper and deeper. He couldn't remember any other colour, his world was suddenly in shades of emerald, but none could match the sage of James' eyes. "But yet, I could not figure out what I had done to cause you to loathe me so." He said softly, beginning to frown slightly. "Each time you refused to speak to me, it felt like... torture..." He blushed, wanting to pull his eyes away. To look down. "But it was far worse that you could not bear to look at my face..."
He was begging his mouth to close. Why must he be so utterly honest? Why did he have to tell this man his very soul? Yet, he could think of nothing less to give him. He had the strange want to give James his soul, and to beg his in return. There had not been a lass in his life, even that fair Elizabeth, that had caused him to romanticize in such a vulgar manner. He was sure that the climate change had simply melted any resemblance of a brain he'd once had... or perhaps it had been their first meeting. He was sure that was the first time he'd forgotten how to breathe.
James was very conscious of still holding Tom’s hand in his, just as he was fully aware of what the other man was saying, even if Tom himself maybe didn’t completely understand the weight of all of this. “This”. What was “this”? Love? No. James didn’t believe in love at first sight. But he knew it would inevitably turn into love if he only let it. And there was no going back now. He could not pull his hand back, nor could he undo this awkward truce they had formed. The only way out was down into the depth he never wanted to experience again.
“I apologise for my rudeness. I didn’t mean to make you believe I disliked you. Only… you reminded me of someone I had known once.” It was not even a lie. Tom did remind him of Dan, yes, they were very much alike but not in appearance. No not at all, but in the effect they both had on him. “It was unexpected. That’s all.” He let a shy smile appear in the corner of his lips and he didn’t pull his hand away. He couldn't.
Tom was finally able to look away, but only so that he could see that smile. And he felt his stomach flutter, he felt excitement rush through him. He'd gotten a smile! James had smiled and it was all for him. He suddenly felt very foolish, feeling like a fainting young woman. Though he now understood why they always had fans with them. He was suddenly feeling entirely too hot, and yet he only wanted to move closer to the source of that heat.
"Miss. Swann was right..." He said softly, "It is a lovely smile..." His voice was soft, as if he was speaking to himself.
He looked like he didn't even realize the words had passed over his lips. He felt like he was in a daze, a dream-like state where there was only the man before him. His mind and body alike were alive like he'd never known in the heat of battle. It was terrifying... and exciting. He felt chills set through his body, yet he was over heated. His knees wanted to give way, yet his will to stand was stronger. He wanted to lean forward, for what he didn't quite know yet. But could feel how his body swayed closer, how his eyes fluttered almost bashfully. He swallowed again, feeling something building inside him. From his stomach, to his chest, and back down again, and past his stomach.
James saw it happen clearly as if everything had slowed down. The way Tom’s eyes seemed lost in his own, the way he moved closer as if being pulled by invisible wicked hands. The same hands that seemed to push James forward into the depth. He wasn’t expecting this so soon. Not from Tom. Did it matter, even? Did it matter when it happened? It would have happened anyway, sooner or later. Why not now then? God, how he wanted it to happen now. How he longed for it. He longed to taste those soft lips, just for a second, not more, just one single second. No one would see. He leaned closer. So close, that he could feel the heat of Tom’s breath on his lips. They were almost touching.
His heart was beating as if trying to break free from his chest, his hands were shaking, one still holding Tom’s right hand, the other slowly travelling up Tom’s right arm towards his shoulder, his neck, just to rest on his flushed cheek. He could almost taste the tension on his tongue. It was maddening to be so close but not yet touching. He almost wished Tom would be brave enough to lean forward covering that last tiny distance between their lips, but the man didn’t even seem to be fully aware of what was happening. It seemed so strange that Tom should be so innocent, even more innocent than Will, who was most probably several years younger...
Will.
Too dangerous.
Can’t happen.
Ever.
Fractures of sentences he had said long weeks ago came to his mind again. He remembered all the reasons why he turned Will down, why he told the boy to find a nice girl and to forget him. Why couldn’t he do the same now? But this is different. Said a tiny voice in his ear. Yes, it was different. Tom was different. This meant something. But that's exactly why he should protect him, why he should prevent Tom from making the same mistake that he had so many years ago. This made James finally pull back slowly, regretting every inch he put between their bodies. Why was everything so difficult?
Tom leaned forward, as if each inch James made back, drew Tom closer. "No..." He said softly, suddenly looking scared, searching James' face frantically. He pulled his hand from James', bringing them both up to cup James' face. He was already feeling the loss of what he'd never truly gotten to begin with. "Please... don't run... please..."
Every fiber of his being seemed to be pleading to the contact. He closed his eyes, brushing his nose against James'. So unsure... yet sure this was right. There were many shades of grey in the world, but this was not one of them. This was right, there was no question in his mind about it. He let their lips just barely touch, still unsure. He didn't want to scare him away. But it all suddenly made sense now. What had happened between them these past days.
"I don't know who I reminded you of... " He whispered, resting his forehead against James'. "I'm not him... this... this is completely different. I'm different..."
Be careful what you wish for. Isn’t that what they say? James got what he wanted, didn’t he? Tom did close the distance between them, he made that one step that shook their whole world. Those lips. They. Were even softer than he had imagined them to be. Inexperienced. But tasting like Heaven. How could it come to this? So sudden. How could Tom make him feel this way so soon? How could those frightened, desperate words, that soft, pleading “no” making him forget all caution in just the fracture of a second? This was madness. How could this be wrong? How could anybody condemn him for craving this? For craving HIM?
Tom.
James was breathless as Tom pulled away, not because of the intensity of the kiss but his feelings. It was all so surreal. To be standing here in the pale moonlight, together, just the two of them, alone against the world. He was still so lost in the taste of Paradise that Tom’s words barely reached his mind. "I'm not him... this... this is completely different. I'm different..." It was true. He was different. Completely. But was this situation? Was it really so different? If only he could be so sure of that, James thought. Yes, this was a different town, a different continent even, and different people – but it all came down to the same, those who were different would be cast out of society. Yes, maybe his brother wasn’t here to be his judge, but there would be other judges. If only Tom would understand. But he seemed so naive, so hopeful that they had a chance. James looked into Tom’s eyes and slowly pulled his thumb across the other man’s cheek one last time.
“I’m so sorry.” he whispered silently as he finally pulled away.
Tom felt a stabbing pain in his chest, and he huffed out a soft breath as if he'd just been punched in the gut. He was silent, staring at James for a moment. Then he nodded, even as his eyes began to glisten. But why? Why did it matter so much? Why did the loss feel just as terrible as losing his sister? He had wept only twice in his adult life, since the age of fourteen. Once at the news of his beloved sister's death on the crossing from England. And again as his captain died in his arms at the hands of Asian pirates. This, it would seem, would be a third. But for what, he couldn’t even begin to understand. And as the first hot tear slipped down his cheek, he wiped it away, almost violently. He looked into James' eyes, and when he finally spoke his voice shook with emotion.
"I will not claim to understand." He swallowed, and took a breath. Attempting to calm himself, but unable to. "But I will not force the subject. But you now know that I am for you... even in as little time as we have shared." He looked down again, and again wiped his eyes. And laughed mirthlessly. "I shouldn't weep over such a thing, I'm sure. I beg you not to think less of me for my tears." He turned his back to James, looking out at the moon over the ocean, at how they seemed to lay together. "I will remember this night... not for a loss I do not understand... but for what I felt for just a moment in time." He closed his eyes a moment, trying to breathe through the new course of feelings rushing through him. "A man who chooses a naval career cannot know which day will be his last, but for a moment I may never live to see again... I thank you... James..."
He looked out to the moon once more. He wanted to walk away. To run away, and hide in his room. Or throw himself into the arms of the sea and have her comfort him, and hold him close. In a way that James would not hold him. But he was frozen. His feet suddenly stones buried deep in the sand, and the tide was unable to wash him away.
James knew he should let Tom go away or just leave him standing there. Nursing a broken heart for some weeks was better than being crushed by the world. Wasn’t that what James told Will? But his body moved on its own will and his hand grabbed Tom’s arm and spun him around.
“Don’t think this is easy for me, Tom.” Saying that name brought back the taste of the other man’s lips to James. “But it has to be this way. You know nothing of this world; you don’t know how cruel it can be. I have seen men being hanged, whose only crime was that they loved. Sometimes it was on my order. Have you? Do you know what it’s like to see an innocent man hanging lifelessly from the gallows for a crime you crave to call your own? Do you know what it’s like to see the noose around the neck of the man you love?” he was silent for a moment and then he added “Some scars never heal, Tom, even if they are invisible.”
"I'm no simpleton, James.” Tom's hand moved to James' face, caressing his cheek, he spoke with honesty and passion. “I know the world, just because I have never... felt this strongly towards anything, does not mean I have never felt. Look at my face, my body is covered in the like. I have seen battle. I have watched men hang, not from the gallows, but a yard arm. And yes, some where those who chose to love freely." He licked his lips and finally was able to move, if only to step closer to James. "I'm no stranger to losing loved ones... The only man... the only person who I felt anything for, remotely... died in my arms, James. I watched the life fade from his eyes. But I am not so jaded that I would throw away a second chance for it. I look at you and see nothing else. What does it matter what they think? Why should they be able to govern our feelings? You and I... what do we have to lose that wouldn't be lost in time?" He asked, and he meant each word. "Our good names? What do we need them for aside from our place in society? Our lives? Do we not risk them each time we set sail? Tell me, James. What are you so afraid of losing that life would not take from you whenever it wished anyhow!?" His voice was no longer a whisper, and there was a sharpness to it. "What could you possibly be telling yourself to keep your distance? Why are you so determined to never let anyone touch you again? Because you're afraid to feel? Because you don't want the same thing to happen as it did before?" He paused, staring at him a moment before he finally said, "Wouldn't it be worth it? Even if it happened again... wouldn't that happiness be worth it? Those moments are what you must live for, not the losses."
He was right. James knew all this. He had always known it. But did that make it any easier? Did this knowledge shield the bottomless depth of the abyss he had to jump into from his scared eyes? Knowing your mistakes doesn’t mean anything without the strength to make them right. “It’s better to feel and get hurt than not to feel at all” that’s what his mother had said when Dan was being led to the gallows, after they had been discovered and Joseph, his brother, had decided that Dan needed to face the consequences of his actions. It had broken James completely. He had been so young and inexperienced back then. And now he had a choice. He could have walked away. He could have run away again. But he found himself unable to move except closer to Tom. He had no choice. This was his destiny. If it meant to hang for it… then so be it. And he brought his lips down on Tom’s again.
Tom felt his spirits lift. This play on his emotions was all too much for him. He leaned his body against James' wrapping his arms around the other man's shoulders, and returning the kiss in earnest. Mumbling against the other man's lips, "I'm not letting go this time." Before pressing his lips back to the place they most definitely felt they belonged. His long fingers clutching the heavily starched cloth of James' jacket. Clinging to him as if for dear life. It was that moment he realized that he was drowning. That the current was pulling him down, and he had no desire to see the surface again. He would willingly fall into their depths.
But everyone said, falling was the easy part. It was true, he would admit he had no idea what lay before them. But he didn't want to know. Every battle could be fought as it came. But he could see that he would have to be the one to make sure James would not run off, would not back out again. But he wouldn't let him. Not now. No matter what game he tried, Tom would never willingly let go of the man before him. He knew it. And perhaps there was a danger in falling too hard and too fast. But it was a risk he was willing to take. James pulled away slowly, but this time with the knowledge that this wasn’t the end, just a new beginning.
“We should go back. Elizabeth will be worried by now.” He silently whispered against Tom’s lips. And before he let go of the other man, he added: "Visit me tomorrow in my office, we can talk there undisturbed." Tom nodded, smiling softly, brushing their lips together a final time, unable to help himself.
"I shall be there promptly, I assure you." He took a deep breath, inhaling the other so that he may remember his very essence while they were apart. Just one last brush of lips, really he couldn't help himself. This evening was not so bad after all.
Authors: GoldenGardenias and SunsetDawn20
Rating: PG to NC-17
This Chapter: PG-13
Summary: This is the third chapter of our Pirates of the Caribbean/Master and Commander crossover fic; filled with various pairings. To learn more, visit the site for this story. HERE
This Chapter: It's the day of the gathering at Governor Swann's
A/N: Blue parts are written by GoldenGardenias, Brown by SunsentDawn20.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Three
Things were already not going as planned. His dress uniform had not arrived yet, and he still had no servants. So he had to rush about in heating his own water, and rummaging through his chests to find his bath oils, soaps, and shampoos. Travelling the world allowed him to find a variety, and he had always had a weak spot for sweet smelling things. He carefully bathed, and brushed out his long hair, pulling it back into a queue with a dark green ribbon. He was going to just wear his daily uniform, but it was far too shabby for the event. He innerly wished fashion weren't so important. But finally he decided on his civilian dress clothes, thankful they still fit, lord only knew the last time he'd worn them. A white shirt and cravat, with a light green frock coat embroidered with dark green and white, as well as breeches in the same colour. White stockings, black shined shoes with silver buckles, and a dark green jacket.
He looked at himself in the mirror, before moving away... only to go back and look at himself again. He was nervous, stomach flopping, and hands shaking. He took a deep breath, staring into the mirror a moment before he turned on his heel and forced himself to leave. He took a finally crafted walking cane with him, as he had opted to simply walk to the Governor's Mansion instead of taking a carriage. He looked every bit the elegant, sophisticated gentleman... though the scar did throw off the appearance just a tad. But he held his head high, and back straight. Simply faking the confidence he wished he was feeling.
*
“How can anybody in their right minds enjoy this?” Elizabeth’s voice was a strange mixture of innocent astonishment and deep loathing. James was standing beside one of the open windows with her so they could escape the insufferably thick cloud of various hideous perfumes. As soon as James had entered the Governor’s House, Elizabeth had dragged him to that window, obviously relived that she had someone to talk to, who didn’t think that discussing fashion and interior decoration was the most that could be expected from a young woman. Ever since then they were trying to hide their loathing towards the other guests and up to now they did a very good job at avoiding anybody to join them. Although, that was probably because all of the guest were not so discretely gossiping about their supposed undying love and very much awaited marriage. If only they knew.
James found it quite amusing, in fact, that nobody even suspected that what they thought of as whispered confessions of love were in reality quite rude insults to them on Elizabeth’s part. She was quite in a mood today. Apparently she had planned to sneak out of the house at night to swim in the sea under the pale light of the full moon – naked, of course – but couldn’t because of this party she hated more than playing the piano – which said something.
“Just look at them, James! Wooing and giggling and posing. Aren’t they ridiculous? ” She asked forcing a smile on her face as one of Port Royal’s “respectable ladies”, meaning terrible gossips, of course, passed by them.
“You even have to ask, Elizabeth?” James said as he made a great show of stepping a bit closer to her – it wouldn’t hurt to give the guests some more to gossip about. This was what they would always do with Elizabeth. They would stand together, laugh about the ridiculous upper class of Port Royal and pretend to be mad about each other, which kept the men away from Elizabeth and the women away from James – it was perfect.
They both knew of course that this couldn’t last forever. Sooner or later they would either have to marry or split up and marry someone else. James hoped for the first, he didn’t like stupid women, and Elizabeth was the only relatively smart girl in town. But she most probably hoped for a beautiful Prince Charming to come for her on his white horse (meaning of course a charming pirate who would kidnap her and force her to live on his ship) and rescue her from her evil fate. She put her slender hand on his shoulder and leaned close to his cheek – she was really overdoing it sometimes, James thought.
“Don’t you just want to keel haul each and every one of them?” she asked.
“What on Earth have you been reading lately, Elizabeth? You know, what, I don’t want to know.” And this time his smile was sincere – he really liked this wild girl, if only it could really be more than friendship that he felt.
Tom had to pause for the second time already this night, attempting to prepare himself for the spectacle that was a public gathering. They almost didn't let him in, even as he introduced himself. It was a wonder that the good Governor Swann had been passing at that moment. The older man had him inside with a whoosh of flowery brocade, feathers, and heavy cologne. The man was utterly charming, to be honest, Tom liked him at first sight. He spoke with such flourish, and humour that it would be a shame for someone not to like the friendly old man. He was a very proper gentleman, with a childish gleam in his eyes and a way with people.
Before Tom knew it, he'd been brought halfway around the room, and had several girls tagging along. Now that the governor had been so kind as to introduce him as Port Royal's newest, most eligible bachelor, because in Weatherby's mind, it was set that James would marry his beloved daughter. It took only a moment for that news to spread, and suddenly he was surrounded by hens attempting to introduce him to their daughters. All giggling and fluttering their fans, wafting perfume all around him and filling his lungs with their over powering scent. He subtly raised and arm to his face, breathing in the mango spray he'd lavished his clothes in. His own scent, was not nearly as over powering as the chicken’s flocking around him. He had bathed in a citrus bath with oils he'd gotten in the Indies, and washed his hair with the rest of the shampoo he'd blended on the way across the ocean. In short, he smelled like a warm Caribbean breeze being swept over the ocean with a hint of tea, which he'd had to calm his nerves earlier.
He attempted to excuse himself, making towards the breeze he could feel from behind, a glass of wine clutched in long fingers. He was sure he was going to need a lot more to survive the women. But he was smiling anyway. He had always been second show to Jack, used to fading into the background with the other officers and married men. This was a definite change for him.
“Who’s that handsome young man, over there?” Elizabeth suddenly asked, poking James almost painfully in the rib with her fan.
“What handsome man? Elizabeth I am really hurt, how can you even look at any other man when you have the privilege to have me as company?” he asked, playfully slapping that dangerous accessory away that Elizabeth was known to use at least as effectively as a sword. “Where is he, I can’t see anybody.”
“Over there, with all those dim-witted women. Poor man. Someone so handsome shouldn’t have to endure such torture. Don’t you think we should rescue him?” she smiled at her friend, but her smile soon faded away as she saw how James froze as he set eyes on the young man. He looked worried and almost sick. “Are you all right, James?” The concern in her voice made him tear his eyes off Tom but he still found it difficult to find his voice – apparently that mysterious young man had a strange effect on his vocal cords.
“Yes… yes, I’m fine. It’s just so… hot in here.” he said, knowing that he couldn’t fool her and praying that the Governor, who finally came to rescue Tom from those flesh-eating harpies, wouldn’t think of introducing him to his daughter – a feeble hope, but a hope nonetheless.
Perhaps fate continued to put Tom into James' path for a reason. Because of course Weatherby was going to bring him along to meet his lovely daughter. And the look of relief on Tom's face was more than a little obvious, and his smile became much more genuine. It even lit up those incredibly blue eyes, and for a few moments was completely directed at James, before he looked down somewhat shyly, and forced his gaze over to Elizabeth.
"Miss. Swann, it is a pleasure." He said, taking her hand, bowing at the waist and pressing a kiss to her knuckles, before standing straight once more. "Your father has been sure to introduce me to as many people as his presence will allow." Speaking of which, the Governor was called away yet again. He smiled at Tom, and patted him on the back before moving away. Tom brought his eyes back to James, bowing his head slightly in respect, even though they were off duty.
"Sir, I hope you do not mind my civil clothes. It would seem my dress uniform is among those of my belongings that have not arrived yet.”
James could only shake his head slightly and barely managed a whispered “Not at all.” He was desperately trying to will away the unwanted effects of the other man’s closeness and of those smiling eyes, while trying not to notice Elizabeth’s shocked amusement. This was becoming ridiculous, when did he turn into a brainless giggling girl, who blushed and fainted at the sight of a handsome man? He should say something. He really should. But he couldn’t think of anything even remotely proper to say so he settled for opening his mouth and saying the first thing that came to his mind.
“I… hope you didn’t catch a cold… Lieutenant.” he said finally, immediately regretting it. Great. Just great. Why did he have to remind the other man of that fiasco?
“What on earth are you talking about, James?” Elizabeth asked apparently very amused by his sudden inability of proper communication. Great, now he had to tell her everything and humiliate both Tom and himself in front of her. And even worse, she would immediately know something was wrong between them. She just knew him too well. The best would be if he just cut out his tongue once and for all then at least he wouldn’t have to bother with talking. Good plan.
"I, being the brilliant person I am, tripped over a coil of rope on the dock today, Miss. Swann. I managed to toss myself feet over head into the water." He laughed softly at himself. "Quite an impression if I do say so myself. But at least the good Captain knows now that I can swim." He smiled at her, even though he really rather wanted to look at James. "I fear I have not made a good name for myself already. I have arrived just only yesterday afternoon, and I have found myself lacking." He looked down, attempting to hide the frown on his face, and the fall of his eyes. "I fear I am disliked, Miss. Swann, if I am to be completely honest with you. At least by those whose liking towards me would matter most." He glanced at James before drinking from his glass. He brightened again, though this time, his smile was not true, it did not show in his eyes.
"But really, why must I say such things to dampen spirits! How utterly selfish of me." He looked into Elizabeth's eyes, he always felt that eye contact bettered communication. "Are you enjoying yourself Miss. Swann. Though it is such a shame to be trapped indoors. It's such a lovely evening, the perfect weather for a swim." He said, looking out the window to the ocean the beyond the fort below. Elizabeth’s warm laughter filled the room immediately and for a moment made everybody look at the three of them before they all continued their terribly important discussions about the weather.
“See, James, I told you he deserved better than those furies over there. Don’t worry, Lieutenant Pullings, you have mastered the first challenge marvellously. Are you ready for your reward?” And without waiting for his answer, she patted both his shoulders with her fan and cheerfully said: “Hereby I make you one of my favourite people in Port Royal – honestly, there aren’t a lot, it’s a selected group of a few very unique people, like dear James here. From now on you may call me Elizabeth, in private, and in exchange for NOT treating me as a fine lady, I promise you to protect you from those hideous creatures you could barely escape from. Agreed?” she asked with a bright smile and held out her hand to the young man one more time, but this time not for a kiss but a handshake.
Tom’s eyes brightened at that, taking her hand and shaking it, though delicately all the same, as he knew he had sailor's hands, and a strong grip and would wish it on no woman.
"I am honoured Miss. Swann. I would insist you do the same and call me Tom. Though, whenever you should please, as I have never been able to deny a pretty face." He couldn't help but tease, and give her a wink. Though he was almost surprised to find he was not actually attracted to her in the least. She was really a beautiful young woman. "But I should treat you as I would my younger sister, Catherine. I see the same flair for life in your eyes as she had in hers."
He was trying amazingly hard not to look at James. He was also trying not to move closer to him, though every time someone touched him in attempt to scoot by, he would move just a little closer. And was amazed to find the closer he was to James, the more at ease he felt in the crowded home.
"She used to have me read her adventurous tales of pirates and thieves, such a wild heart she was. I think the two of you would have gotten on quite well, in fact. Something tells me you enjoy a greatly romanticized tale or two about pirates."
“Who are you, the Devil in disguise? How dare you know more about me than I know about you?” she smiled playfully at him. “James, take care, if you don’t watch your back, I’ll elope with Tom and you’ll have to marry Lillian Bones.” she added with faint disgust and obvious amusement in her voice. She was aiming for one of his very rare shy smiles and was quite disappointed that he didn’t even seem to listen.
“James, what’s the matter with you? Believe me, Tom, normally he’s not so silent. And he has a rather lovely smile only reserved for close friends. I don’t know what’s gotten into him, it might have something to do with your staggering good looks, though.”
James couldn’t help but choke on his drink at this and as he tried to will away his violent coughing he even dropped his glass that shattered on the floor. Of course, she meant it as a joke, she just wanted to make them laugh, James tried to convince his madly beating heart but he found himself unable to calm down.
“James are you…”
“Yes… yes, I’m… I’m fine… I… just need some fresh air. Excuse me.” he said, rushing out into the garden without even looking at either Tom or Elizabeth.
Tom winced, watching him go before setting his own glass on the windowsill and crouching down to pick up the pieces of glass off the floor rather hurriedly. Standing once he was finished, absently holding the shards in his left hand.
"I'm sorry... I should have known better..." He looked at her, and looked down at the mess of wine on the floor. "He's not fond of me, Miss. Swann." He said, and swallowed hard before looking up at her. His eyes speaking everything he could not, he looked like a scolded puppy.
"He's been this way since I reported to his office yesterday... I thought it would be alright to show up early... he... He won't speak to me. Asking if I'd caught cold was the most he's ever said to me. He... won't even look at me. I had hoped, he being a Naval man, my scar would not affect him like those in England." His hands were curling into fists in his nervousness. He just blurted everything out to Elizabeth.
"I'm sorry... I should not speak so freely... I... this is not my place. I should have known better. I had just hoped... that..." He cut himself off, looking out the window, he didn't even notice how tightly he was gripping the shards of fine crystal in his hand.
“No, I’m sure it’s something else.” Elizabeth shook her head slightly, still looking at the door where James had left. “Jamie is not someone to judge by appearances. I have never seen him like this before, except maybe once… back in England… but I was just a little girl then, all I noticed was that he was less fun to play with…” She spoke more to herself than to Tom, almost forgetting she wasn’t alone. But slowly, the meaning of the young man’s words broke through the barriers of her own thoughts and she turned to face him. He looked so forlorn, and hurt.
“Tom…” she noticed a tiny drop of blood slowly travelling down his fingers and almost gasped. “Tom, your… give that to me.” she said firmly as she forced his palm open and put the shards of James’ glass beside Tom’s glass on the windowsill. She then took her handkerchief and carefully bound Tom’s hand as she spoke.
“Tom, believe me, I have known him all my life, he’s not the way you just saw him. And I’m sure his behaviour has nothing to do with you, at least not with your scar. I don’t know why you think it would make anybody find you less attractive. Haven’t you realized how all those weird feathery creatures reacted to you? And they may not know anything else but they can smell good looks from miles.” She held his palm in her pale hands, trying to force that addictive smile back to those beautiful features. “And don’t you worry about being honest with me. Believe me, I won’t tell my faithful servants to chop your ungrateful head off. That would be too much of a sacrifice for me too…”
"It's different here, I suppose." He smiled softly at her, and looked around, "In a way." He absently rubbed his face, and looked at the woman before him. "Thank you, Miss. Swann. You are the first to show me kindness in quite some time. I'm not sure I know how to handle it." He gave a soft laugh. "It would seem I'm completely out of my element on land. I have to re-teach myself how to act in society. Ship life is ever so different. Everything that matters here means nothing aboard a ship. After months at sea, it becomes easy to forget the confines of speech and society." He looked out the window. "Do you think... perhaps I should see what's the matter with Captain Norrington? I think I should like to confront him as well... perhaps a weight would be lifted from both our shoulders.”
Elizabeth smiled softly. It was so endearing to see how much James’ approval meant to Tom already. But she wasn’t surprised, nobody could help loving James. Not even Will, and that meant something – Will was not someone who could love easily. But when he loved, he loved completely and fatally, something Elizabeth both admired and feared. But this was not the time to think of Will, so she forced herself back to reality and looked at Tom, who looked almost eager to run after James and confront him about his strange behaviour. She knew that if James was truly mad at Tom, this would be the worst the man could do. James was likely to just turn even more away from him. But she was sure that whatever James felt for Tom, it was not hatred or anger, or at least so she hoped.
“Yes, maybe that would help.” she said, placing a kiss on two fingers and pressed them to Tom’s scar. “Good luck, Tom.” His eyes softened, and he gave her a smile as he blushed.
"Thank you, Miss. Swann." He said, bowing his head before taking his leave. Avoiding all chirping women, and managing to escape into the garden. It was truly a lovely night. A cool ocean breeze swirling through the air, the moon was full, giving the expansive garden a sort of heavenly look to it. He forgot his purpose a moment as he idly walked down the path. But out of sight of onlookers, and rather deep into the garden he remembered why he'd come out to the garden in the first place. So then he began to search, the earth covering the sound of his steps, the wind pulling him to pick up his pace. His heart was pounding in his chest, his body vibrating with excitement. And he'd be damned if he could understand why.
And then he saw him. Or at least the tall silhouette of his commander, framed against the moon, which looked impossibly big from this part of the world. He took a breath, moving forwards. Taking care to come up behind James, so he'd not have the chance to run. He lifted his uninjured hand, and placed it firmly on the other man's shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze to alert James of his presence. He could have sworn he'd felt an electric shock pulse through him as making contact with the other's person. But he didn't speak, wouldn't utter a word until James did. He was determined. He wanted the other man to speak to him... or show him some sort of sign. He just wanted to know... anything. Anything at all.
James, of course, knew they would come after him. The only question was if Elizabeth came out herself or if she’d send her newest subject. But as he heard the silent footsteps behind his back, he knew immediately who he’d have to face. He knew it was Tom as he felt the heat of a body behind his back – he felt it, even if their bodies never touched – and he felt a light but strong hand resting on his shoulder. It made him shiver. Strangely enough he didn’t feel the nervousness and confusion he had felt before, every time he met the other man. He was calm now. But his calmness unsettled him more than his nervousness had. He knew he had a decision to make. This moment would most probably decide everything. He could choose to be cold and even rude – it wouldn’t make much of a difference after his behaviour of the past two days – and then, maybe, they could both escape. That’s what he should do, he knew it. It was the right decision – for both of them.
But he found that he couldn’t. It was not a choice he could make. This choice had been made for them already, long before they have first met. Because since they first saw each other it was clear they had to fall and break. He could run from it, but he wouldn’t be able to run for ever. He would fall again. He suddenly turned around to face Tom, looked him in the eye and held out his hand to the man.
“I’m Captain James Norrington.”
Tom was startled a moment, but then a grin broke out over his face. He was unable to look anywhere but James' eyes, and for once, he didn't try to.
"Lieutenant Thomas Pullings, it's an honour to finally meet you, Captain." He said, almost breathlessly, taking the other's hand, and giving it a shake. Though seeming to forget the moment after that he was still, in fact, holding it. "I was becoming” he licked his suddenly dry lips. Those green eyes were drawing him in, pulling him down... deeper and deeper. He couldn't remember any other colour, his world was suddenly in shades of emerald, but none could match the sage of James' eyes. "But yet, I could not figure out what I had done to cause you to loathe me so." He said softly, beginning to frown slightly. "Each time you refused to speak to me, it felt like... torture..." He blushed, wanting to pull his eyes away. To look down. "But it was far worse that you could not bear to look at my face..."
He was begging his mouth to close. Why must he be so utterly honest? Why did he have to tell this man his very soul? Yet, he could think of nothing less to give him. He had the strange want to give James his soul, and to beg his in return. There had not been a lass in his life, even that fair Elizabeth, that had caused him to romanticize in such a vulgar manner. He was sure that the climate change had simply melted any resemblance of a brain he'd once had... or perhaps it had been their first meeting. He was sure that was the first time he'd forgotten how to breathe.
James was very conscious of still holding Tom’s hand in his, just as he was fully aware of what the other man was saying, even if Tom himself maybe didn’t completely understand the weight of all of this. “This”. What was “this”? Love? No. James didn’t believe in love at first sight. But he knew it would inevitably turn into love if he only let it. And there was no going back now. He could not pull his hand back, nor could he undo this awkward truce they had formed. The only way out was down into the depth he never wanted to experience again.
“I apologise for my rudeness. I didn’t mean to make you believe I disliked you. Only… you reminded me of someone I had known once.” It was not even a lie. Tom did remind him of Dan, yes, they were very much alike but not in appearance. No not at all, but in the effect they both had on him. “It was unexpected. That’s all.” He let a shy smile appear in the corner of his lips and he didn’t pull his hand away. He couldn't.
Tom was finally able to look away, but only so that he could see that smile. And he felt his stomach flutter, he felt excitement rush through him. He'd gotten a smile! James had smiled and it was all for him. He suddenly felt very foolish, feeling like a fainting young woman. Though he now understood why they always had fans with them. He was suddenly feeling entirely too hot, and yet he only wanted to move closer to the source of that heat.
"Miss. Swann was right..." He said softly, "It is a lovely smile..." His voice was soft, as if he was speaking to himself.
He looked like he didn't even realize the words had passed over his lips. He felt like he was in a daze, a dream-like state where there was only the man before him. His mind and body alike were alive like he'd never known in the heat of battle. It was terrifying... and exciting. He felt chills set through his body, yet he was over heated. His knees wanted to give way, yet his will to stand was stronger. He wanted to lean forward, for what he didn't quite know yet. But could feel how his body swayed closer, how his eyes fluttered almost bashfully. He swallowed again, feeling something building inside him. From his stomach, to his chest, and back down again, and past his stomach.
James saw it happen clearly as if everything had slowed down. The way Tom’s eyes seemed lost in his own, the way he moved closer as if being pulled by invisible wicked hands. The same hands that seemed to push James forward into the depth. He wasn’t expecting this so soon. Not from Tom. Did it matter, even? Did it matter when it happened? It would have happened anyway, sooner or later. Why not now then? God, how he wanted it to happen now. How he longed for it. He longed to taste those soft lips, just for a second, not more, just one single second. No one would see. He leaned closer. So close, that he could feel the heat of Tom’s breath on his lips. They were almost touching.
His heart was beating as if trying to break free from his chest, his hands were shaking, one still holding Tom’s right hand, the other slowly travelling up Tom’s right arm towards his shoulder, his neck, just to rest on his flushed cheek. He could almost taste the tension on his tongue. It was maddening to be so close but not yet touching. He almost wished Tom would be brave enough to lean forward covering that last tiny distance between their lips, but the man didn’t even seem to be fully aware of what was happening. It seemed so strange that Tom should be so innocent, even more innocent than Will, who was most probably several years younger...
Will.
Too dangerous.
Can’t happen.
Ever.
Fractures of sentences he had said long weeks ago came to his mind again. He remembered all the reasons why he turned Will down, why he told the boy to find a nice girl and to forget him. Why couldn’t he do the same now? But this is different. Said a tiny voice in his ear. Yes, it was different. Tom was different. This meant something. But that's exactly why he should protect him, why he should prevent Tom from making the same mistake that he had so many years ago. This made James finally pull back slowly, regretting every inch he put between their bodies. Why was everything so difficult?
Tom leaned forward, as if each inch James made back, drew Tom closer. "No..." He said softly, suddenly looking scared, searching James' face frantically. He pulled his hand from James', bringing them both up to cup James' face. He was already feeling the loss of what he'd never truly gotten to begin with. "Please... don't run... please..."
Every fiber of his being seemed to be pleading to the contact. He closed his eyes, brushing his nose against James'. So unsure... yet sure this was right. There were many shades of grey in the world, but this was not one of them. This was right, there was no question in his mind about it. He let their lips just barely touch, still unsure. He didn't want to scare him away. But it all suddenly made sense now. What had happened between them these past days.
"I don't know who I reminded you of... " He whispered, resting his forehead against James'. "I'm not him... this... this is completely different. I'm different..."
Be careful what you wish for. Isn’t that what they say? James got what he wanted, didn’t he? Tom did close the distance between them, he made that one step that shook their whole world. Those lips. They. Were even softer than he had imagined them to be. Inexperienced. But tasting like Heaven. How could it come to this? So sudden. How could Tom make him feel this way so soon? How could those frightened, desperate words, that soft, pleading “no” making him forget all caution in just the fracture of a second? This was madness. How could this be wrong? How could anybody condemn him for craving this? For craving HIM?
Tom.
James was breathless as Tom pulled away, not because of the intensity of the kiss but his feelings. It was all so surreal. To be standing here in the pale moonlight, together, just the two of them, alone against the world. He was still so lost in the taste of Paradise that Tom’s words barely reached his mind. "I'm not him... this... this is completely different. I'm different..." It was true. He was different. Completely. But was this situation? Was it really so different? If only he could be so sure of that, James thought. Yes, this was a different town, a different continent even, and different people – but it all came down to the same, those who were different would be cast out of society. Yes, maybe his brother wasn’t here to be his judge, but there would be other judges. If only Tom would understand. But he seemed so naive, so hopeful that they had a chance. James looked into Tom’s eyes and slowly pulled his thumb across the other man’s cheek one last time.
“I’m so sorry.” he whispered silently as he finally pulled away.
Tom felt a stabbing pain in his chest, and he huffed out a soft breath as if he'd just been punched in the gut. He was silent, staring at James for a moment. Then he nodded, even as his eyes began to glisten. But why? Why did it matter so much? Why did the loss feel just as terrible as losing his sister? He had wept only twice in his adult life, since the age of fourteen. Once at the news of his beloved sister's death on the crossing from England. And again as his captain died in his arms at the hands of Asian pirates. This, it would seem, would be a third. But for what, he couldn’t even begin to understand. And as the first hot tear slipped down his cheek, he wiped it away, almost violently. He looked into James' eyes, and when he finally spoke his voice shook with emotion.
"I will not claim to understand." He swallowed, and took a breath. Attempting to calm himself, but unable to. "But I will not force the subject. But you now know that I am for you... even in as little time as we have shared." He looked down again, and again wiped his eyes. And laughed mirthlessly. "I shouldn't weep over such a thing, I'm sure. I beg you not to think less of me for my tears." He turned his back to James, looking out at the moon over the ocean, at how they seemed to lay together. "I will remember this night... not for a loss I do not understand... but for what I felt for just a moment in time." He closed his eyes a moment, trying to breathe through the new course of feelings rushing through him. "A man who chooses a naval career cannot know which day will be his last, but for a moment I may never live to see again... I thank you... James..."
He looked out to the moon once more. He wanted to walk away. To run away, and hide in his room. Or throw himself into the arms of the sea and have her comfort him, and hold him close. In a way that James would not hold him. But he was frozen. His feet suddenly stones buried deep in the sand, and the tide was unable to wash him away.
James knew he should let Tom go away or just leave him standing there. Nursing a broken heart for some weeks was better than being crushed by the world. Wasn’t that what James told Will? But his body moved on its own will and his hand grabbed Tom’s arm and spun him around.
“Don’t think this is easy for me, Tom.” Saying that name brought back the taste of the other man’s lips to James. “But it has to be this way. You know nothing of this world; you don’t know how cruel it can be. I have seen men being hanged, whose only crime was that they loved. Sometimes it was on my order. Have you? Do you know what it’s like to see an innocent man hanging lifelessly from the gallows for a crime you crave to call your own? Do you know what it’s like to see the noose around the neck of the man you love?” he was silent for a moment and then he added “Some scars never heal, Tom, even if they are invisible.”
"I'm no simpleton, James.” Tom's hand moved to James' face, caressing his cheek, he spoke with honesty and passion. “I know the world, just because I have never... felt this strongly towards anything, does not mean I have never felt. Look at my face, my body is covered in the like. I have seen battle. I have watched men hang, not from the gallows, but a yard arm. And yes, some where those who chose to love freely." He licked his lips and finally was able to move, if only to step closer to James. "I'm no stranger to losing loved ones... The only man... the only person who I felt anything for, remotely... died in my arms, James. I watched the life fade from his eyes. But I am not so jaded that I would throw away a second chance for it. I look at you and see nothing else. What does it matter what they think? Why should they be able to govern our feelings? You and I... what do we have to lose that wouldn't be lost in time?" He asked, and he meant each word. "Our good names? What do we need them for aside from our place in society? Our lives? Do we not risk them each time we set sail? Tell me, James. What are you so afraid of losing that life would not take from you whenever it wished anyhow!?" His voice was no longer a whisper, and there was a sharpness to it. "What could you possibly be telling yourself to keep your distance? Why are you so determined to never let anyone touch you again? Because you're afraid to feel? Because you don't want the same thing to happen as it did before?" He paused, staring at him a moment before he finally said, "Wouldn't it be worth it? Even if it happened again... wouldn't that happiness be worth it? Those moments are what you must live for, not the losses."
He was right. James knew all this. He had always known it. But did that make it any easier? Did this knowledge shield the bottomless depth of the abyss he had to jump into from his scared eyes? Knowing your mistakes doesn’t mean anything without the strength to make them right. “It’s better to feel and get hurt than not to feel at all” that’s what his mother had said when Dan was being led to the gallows, after they had been discovered and Joseph, his brother, had decided that Dan needed to face the consequences of his actions. It had broken James completely. He had been so young and inexperienced back then. And now he had a choice. He could have walked away. He could have run away again. But he found himself unable to move except closer to Tom. He had no choice. This was his destiny. If it meant to hang for it… then so be it. And he brought his lips down on Tom’s again.
Tom felt his spirits lift. This play on his emotions was all too much for him. He leaned his body against James' wrapping his arms around the other man's shoulders, and returning the kiss in earnest. Mumbling against the other man's lips, "I'm not letting go this time." Before pressing his lips back to the place they most definitely felt they belonged. His long fingers clutching the heavily starched cloth of James' jacket. Clinging to him as if for dear life. It was that moment he realized that he was drowning. That the current was pulling him down, and he had no desire to see the surface again. He would willingly fall into their depths.
But everyone said, falling was the easy part. It was true, he would admit he had no idea what lay before them. But he didn't want to know. Every battle could be fought as it came. But he could see that he would have to be the one to make sure James would not run off, would not back out again. But he wouldn't let him. Not now. No matter what game he tried, Tom would never willingly let go of the man before him. He knew it. And perhaps there was a danger in falling too hard and too fast. But it was a risk he was willing to take. James pulled away slowly, but this time with the knowledge that this wasn’t the end, just a new beginning.
“We should go back. Elizabeth will be worried by now.” He silently whispered against Tom’s lips. And before he let go of the other man, he added: "Visit me tomorrow in my office, we can talk there undisturbed." Tom nodded, smiling softly, brushing their lips together a final time, unable to help himself.
"I shall be there promptly, I assure you." He took a deep breath, inhaling the other so that he may remember his very essence while they were apart. Just one last brush of lips, really he couldn't help himself. This evening was not so bad after all.