An Affair With History (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} historic_affair) wrote,@ 2008-07-10 19:32:00 |
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Title: An Affair With History
Authors: GoldenGardenias and SunsetDawn20
Rating: PG to NC-17
This Chapter: PG-13
Summary: This is the fourth chapter of our Pirates of the Caribbean/Master and Commander crossover fic; filled with various pairings. To learn more, visit the site for this story. HERE
This Chapter: They barely have a relationship, and James is already having second thoughts
A/N: Blue parts are written by GoldenGardenias, Brown by SunsentDawn20.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Authors: GoldenGardenias and SunsetDawn20
Rating: PG to NC-17
This Chapter: PG-13
Summary: This is the fourth chapter of our Pirates of the Caribbean/Master and Commander crossover fic; filled with various pairings. To learn more, visit the site for this story. HERE
This Chapter: They barely have a relationship, and James is already having second thoughts
A/N: Blue parts are written by GoldenGardenias, Brown by SunsentDawn20.
Previous chapters can be found here.
Four
James woke to a rather unusual feeling of complete bliss. He could not remember right away what had caused it but he tried his best to hold on to it and to shake off the cheeky ray of sunlight that desperately tried to pull him back into reality. The vague contours of last night’s dream were still heavy on his eyelids as he pulled the thin blanket over his head. He slowly turned over and curled around the pillow on the other side of the bed, just like every morning – yearning to hold a warm body instead of the silk pillow.
But something was different today. A smile slowly crept up James’ face and he buried his head even deeper into the soft material as he let memories of last night flood him. He had never felt this happy and carefree in his whole life, it was almost as if Tom had kissed away all his fears and concerns. He couldn’t bring himself to worry about the future on a beautiful morning like this. There was no place in his heart for anything but cheerful hope and the rapidly growing seeds of love.
That’s when it came to him that he made Tom promise to visit him at his office, which immediately shook him awake. He got up, washed and dressed in a hurry but with a huge grin on his face that he seemed unable to get rid of – not that he wanted to. After a delicious breakfast from Mrs. Eidan, his housekeeper who behaved more like a worrying mother than a servant, and whose questioning looks he ignored as much as he could, James stepped out of his house and set out to the fort.
*
Tom woke to the citrus smell of the orange tree growing in his yard, which was rather nice. He didn't notice his hum as he started the day, washing up and taking more time in the mirror than usual. He in fact, did not spend any time looking at himself on any other day, but felt the need to look as groomed as possible today. It was not until Lieutenant Gillette pointed out that he looked like he'd had a very good night, did he realize how he must look. Dreamy and far off, humming and day dreaming... it was obvious by the grin on Andrew's face that he looked like a lass who'd fallen in love. But he knew Andrew would not tell, he'd seen how Theodore and he looked at one another.
"Out with you..." He said with a smile, shooing him playfully, and turning to his desk to grab the bread he'd bought from a cart on the way to the fort, munching it down while looking out his window at the harbour. Yes, today felt like an amazingly good day. All he had to do was not hang around James' office until he was in. He would just wait an hour or so. But lord it was so hard to do!
*
It was a beautiful summer morning. The people of Port Royal were out on the streets, talking, trading, arguing – some even greeted James with a respectful nod. He couldn’t help but dream of walking together with Tom on the streets of the town on a day like this. Dreams. Nothing but dreams, he thought bitterly but tried to shake off the sudden sadness that threatened to spoil his good mood. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters as long as Tom’s there, he tried to tell himself, but a shadow has already crept over his sunny mood.
After the violent battle of sounds on the street the fort itself was very quiet, almost too quiet. And it unnerved James a bit, an uneasy feeling crept in his heart and he couldn’t shake it off. He felt alone. And guilty. Why, he didn’t know. He felt as if everybody was looking at him with suspicion. As if they knew of some unspeakable sin he had committed. As if they were his unyielding, bloodthirsty judges. By the time he reached his office, James was sweating and shaking uncontrollably. Nothing was left of the cheerfulness he woke up with.
“What was I thinking?” he asked himself as he closed the door of his empty office. This was all wrong. How could he be so weak? How could he yield to the desperate pleading in Tom’s eyes? Tom. How could he even consider putting Tom at risk by encouraging his desires? Why did he let his heart take control over his actions? No, this had to stop. Now.
Tom waited as long as he could will himself to. Two hours and forty-five seconds. He'd been counting. He cleared his throat, brushed back his hair, just to make sure nothing was out of place, and then went to James' office. He gave a firm knock, before entering.
"I believe you wished to see me, sir." He said, shutting the door behind him, and turning the key behind his back to afford no interruptions. Just in case they might fall to kissing... because... well, not that he expected to... but it was always good to be cautious. He moved forward, placing his hat on the rack standing in the corner by the door, and moved to sit in the chair across the desk. He leaned back and crossed one leg over the other. His face was straight, but his eyes were sparkling with an inner smile.
"I must complain, James. I nearly had to lock myself into my office, just so I would not rush to see you. Your presence should not be quite so addictive." He said in mock seriousness. Leaning forward then, noticing James' mood. He put his elbows on the desk, and held his head in his hands. "What's the matter, love?" He was looking concerned now.
James was sitting in his chair as Tom entered, just like two days before, when they had first met. But this time his position showed no dignity, no power. He felt lost and defeated and it showed. He was leaning at the table, his head buried in his hands. He looked up as Tom entered but didn’t return the carefree smile of the other man, who had no idea of the inner battle James was fighting against his heart. Tom seemed so cheerful, so endearing, so beautiful, and irresistible. This was not helping. James frowned. “What’s the matter, love?” Love. James’ heart missed at beat at that word and gained new strength against the cold, calculating rationality of his brain. Love. NO. NO. He had to be strong, he had to save Tom from himself. He was just a child, innocent and… Love…
“We can’t do this, Tom.” He said in a voice so silent that he wasn’t sure the other man could hear him, but he found himself unable to repeat it, once was already more than he could take.
Tom stood, and moved around the desk, kneeling beside James, looking up at him. He ran a finger over the line of James' strong jaw, just watching him a moment before he spoke softly, kindly- a small smile on his face.
"We already have. It's too late to turn back now, James." He cocked his head to the side, "I'm not about to let you go as easy as that." He shuffled on his knees a little closer, so that he was between James and the desk. He wrapped his arms around the other man, resting his head against his stomach. So utterly undignified, very unsuiting for an officer of the British Royal Navy... but he couldn’t care less how an officer should act. When he was alone with James, he was Tom. Simply Tom.
"I'm not going to let you run away from this, we're going to see it through to the very end, whether you like it or not. I'm not giving up on you." He hugged him a bit tighter, nuzzling his face against the many layers of James' braid and brocade. "If you can see through my many faults, then I can see through your many masks... the layers you've build up to protect yourself from hurt. You don't need to protect yourself from me, James."
James couldn’t help but shiver at Tom’s tender touch and drown in the intensity of his gaze. Yes, it was too late. It had already been too late the moment he first set eyes on Tom, the first time their eyes met. That moment he had been lost, and he knew it. It was almost ridiculous how soon they ended up like this, with Tom’s head firmly pressed against his stomach and those strong but gentle arms around his waist. So soon. James didn’t believe in destiny even if words like that easily rolled off the tongue under the pale light of the full moon, but that moment, looking down on the soft, brown locks and listening to those soothing words, he almost believed someone was watching over them, that this was meant to be.
“I’m not giving up on you.” he heard Tom say. It was a promise and a threat at the same time and James didn’t know whether to be relieved or scared. He slowly ran his fingers through Tom’s hair. Was this the Heaven he had always longed for all his life? Or Hell disguised as Heaven? Maybe it didn’t even matter. He slowly pulled Tom up, and looked once again into those deep pools full of emotion. He raised his hand and gently caressed Tom’s cheek with his shaking fingers. He brought their faces closer, so close that their noses were almost touching and with a deep sigh he let out the remnants of his resistance and closed the distance between their eager lips.
Tom couldn't help but smile into the kiss, wrapping his arms around James' shoulder and kissing him back eagerly. He really did like kissing. He decided it was possibly his favourite thing to do, aside from sailing of course. Nothing to beat his love of sailing... save perhaps the way James made him feel. He couldn't help but press a little firmer into the kiss, arms tightening his hold. He could stay like this forever. Just stay with James forever. Yes, that would be what heaven would be like for him. An eternity with this man. His mind was already planning... the things they could do together, places they could see, sailing around the world together. Long days at sea, sleeping under the stars... perhaps he could get James to come to dinner. Yes... he could cook. Well, he had to. He still didn't have a cook.
Heaven. Yes, definitely Heaven. It has been so long since James felt so good – no, if he was completely honest with himself, he had never before felt like this. Not even with Dan in the throes of passion. It was incredible how Tom could put so much emotion into a simple kiss, how he could confess all his feelings without saying a word. This was worth living for. This was worth dying for. He didn’t want to let go – ever.
He was so lost in the torturous sensations that he barely heard the impatient knock on the door. He swiftly pulled away from Tom and stood up, desperately trying to make himself look halfway decent. As soon as they both looked presentable, he crossed the room with quick steps and unlocked the door, just to look into a pair of chocolate eyes that immediately lit up as he flung the door open. Will.
“James… Good morning… Captain” he added nervously as he noticed Tom.
“Will, I told you, I would see you in the afternoon, this is not the right mome-“
“It never is.” Will said with a small sad smile. “Actually, you said we would talk today, nothing more, I assumed you’d want me to come here.” His eyes slowly traveled back and forth between Tom and James while he spoke and then finally settled on Tom. “But I see I’m disturbing.” He added, his voice shaking slightly. “Of course, I should have known.”
Tom's eyes narrowed as he looked at the slightly younger man. The way he looked at James. The way his eyes lit up. This... this... blacksmith was in love with James! He swallowed hard, taking a step back only to back into the desk.
"Should have known what?" He asked, his voice deeper than usual, more than a hint of unease, his body tensing. His eyes looked, almost menacing as he stared at Will. Looking no where else but the dark eyed pretty boy... with his flawless features, and lithe body... He could feel his jaw clenching. His hands gripping the edge of the desk, white knuckled. Was this jealousy? Yes. It most definitely was. He looked at this boy the same way he'd looked at Stephen. With the same feeling of loathing twisting in his gut.
"Don't let me stop you from speaking your\ mind, boy." He said, voice calm. Too calm.
Will raised his eyes at Tom again and almost felt the other man’s loathing burn his skin. He didn’t take his eyes off Tom as he spoke in a frighteningly steady voice, but it was obvious that his question was directed at James.
“Too much… or not enough?” James felt lost. He was not prepared for this, for the obvious animosity in Tom’s every flinch and the painful resignation in Will’s voice. He couldn’t speak even if he knew the answer. He didn’t want to hurt Will. He might not be in love with the boy, but he cared about him a lot.
“Too much… or not enough?” Will repeated so silent that it could barely be heard.
“Too much…” James’ answer was barely more than a whisper.
"What are you on about?" He finally looked over at James, and then back to Will once more. He felt terribly uneasy. He didn't feel right hating the boy, he didn't know him after all. But he still saw that there was something between the two of them, and that something he couldn’t bear. He did not want to think of being a third wheel. He didn't want to be toyed with. He refused to think that James would do that. But it didn't ease him. He finally took a breath, and moved towards the door, shutting it behind Will.
"I should think this conversation private, wouldn't want the rest of the world to hear." Even if the halls were empty. He was inches from Will now, his eyes suddenly pleaded. Don't take him from me... don't tell me that's what you're here for. Dear god, do not tell me he loves you. I cannot bear to think it. It's true isn't it? You have a place in his heart before me, don't you blacksmith? He wasn't breathing, and didn't even realize it. He was holding his breath, the tension in the room was weighting down on him like a ton of bricks. He should leave. This wasn't his place. He should leave them. He swallowed, looking to James. He took in a sharp breath, pausing once more before speaking.
"Shall I take my leave now, Captain?"
One teardrop swiftly wiped away – but James saw and it broke his heart. He never wanted to cause pain. Not to Will. He barely heard Tom speaking and didn’t realize the desperate pleading in his voice. And he wasn’t the one who answered, it was Will’s shaking voice that broke the uneasy silence.
“No, I… I will go. I have got my answer.” he looked into James’ eyes and raised his terribly shaking hand as if he wanted to touch the other man, just once, but he dropped it almost immediately. He flung the door open and ran out of the office. James wanted to go after him, to console him somehow, but couldn’t move. His troubled mind started to produce unwanted thoughts again. Could he have a future with Tom if their relationship started with pain?
Tom watched the boy run away, and then turned to James, brushing his fingers over James' hand.
"Go after him, James." He said softly, swallowing. "That is no way to part." His eyes were soft, sad, but firm as his nodded. "I shall come between you and no one. But I will wait... whatever your choice may be. I will always wait for your return." He smiled softly, moving from the office, hat forgotten as he tried to remember to keep a calm pace to his own office. Where he wanted to stomp, shout, and break things... but would not do that either.
But at least his office would give him solitude and his thoughts. Though perhaps neither were best at the moment. He wanted to know what happened between Will and James... wanted to know what 'too much or not enough' meant. But he could not bring himself to ask. It was not his place. It was not his relationship. It was not his to worry about. And yet, worry he did.
Two men. Two men he loved. Yes, James loved them both, just in different ways. One as a friend, the other as a lover. And now he had hurt both because he was unable to act. But what could he do, really? Talk, maybe. Yes, he had to talk to them both. Soon. But he had to calm down first and gather his thoughts. He was not a man of words, not a man who could deal with the matters of the heart easily – maybe because he had forced himself to ignore the calls of his own heart for so long.
He needed time.