InsaneJournal

Six

Tom had made sure James woke and got himself out the door two hours before dawn. The bed was lonely, and seemed cold now. But he slept a bit longer anyhow, and when he woke the sun was winking at him. He changed the bedclothes, bathed, and dressed into his uniform. He had very little to do today, as he had been diligent the day before. He went to the general store and posted a help wanted add for a little bit of help. And brought lunch to the fort for James, leaving it on his desk, and going to his office for a bit of work. He went through papers, this and that. Dropping a few more things off at James' office. It was odd to be in so early, it was like walking through haunted halls. Most would not arrive until two hours from then, some sooner- depending on rank. But he was restless, something looming on his mind. And he decided, with time to spare, he would take care of this. He would go and seek out William.

The town was awake, the market being set up, the tradesmen starting their day. Only the upper class could afford to sleep in each morning, and wake to the ready town at their feet. Tom had never been one of those people. But he knew, a blacksmith would be awake now. So with little thought to it, he headed out. Stopping to buy some port and a bit of breakfast as a peace offering. He'd not eaten yet himself, so it was also an excuse to do so. He could feel the heat pouring from the smithy before he'd even gotten to the door. He stepped inside, Brown- the owner, so the sign said - was nowhere to be found. But he was sure Will would be around. After all, the door was unlocked.

"Hello?" He called, stepping further inside.

Will had been up well before dawn - he couldn't sleep anyway, so he got up and tried to chase away his pain by concentrating on his work. But all he could think of was James and that one sweet kiss they had shared the night before. It was a bittersweet memory. Just as every memory that had to do with James. If only they could go back to the way things were before these unwanted feelings. Everything had been so easy at first. He was just a boy without father, mother or money. Of course, there was Elizabeth. She decided to become his angel and promised to take care of him. It was nice. She was nice. But she was only a child herself and couldn't do much to help Will find work and a place to stay - and no matter how much Elizabeth liked the idea, sneaking into her room every night and sleeping in her bed was NOT a good plan.

It was James, who helped him to his position as Brown's apprentice and kept a close eye on Brown ever since. It was James, who first encouraged him to start practicing sword fighting and he even agreed to teach him when he had time. They very soon became friends and Will worshipped the older man. It was perfect. But then, about a year ago things started to change. At first it seemed that James was oblivious to what was happening but Will should have known better. He knew how good James was at hiding his feelings from the world - it was one of the many useful qualities he had learned from his friend. They knew each other so well. They could have been so happy together, Will was sure about that. But James… he rejected him, rejected him to protect him… that's what he said… to protect him. And he believed it. But now… this new lieutenant or what came and…

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a soft knock and as he looked up he saw the one man he had no intention talking to. Tom shut the door behind him, moving farther inside, he wasn't going to just run away. He couldn't help but bring his thumb to his mouth, worrying it- a nervous habit.

"Will." He said softly, attempting to give him a soft smile, but it faltered. He brought himself and the basket of food down towards the other man. "I brought some breakfast... I thought, perhaps we could talk. Or... something..." Right, going very well alright. Tom looked around, absently moving to look at the swords. "The craftsmanship is amazing... do you make all these?" He asked, trying to ease the tension between them. But he knew better.

He was positive Will hated him... but it was for something he couldn't help. How was he to know James and the blacksmith had been... whatever they had been? He'd had a feeling, that day on the docks when he'd fallen in... but, James had not been with the boy then. No, in fact, it seemed one sided. Until that unwelcomed interruption in James' office. This was a small town though- and he did not want this to be a problem. He didn't want James to have to suffer from it. So he would try and mend things, the best he could. It was what he did.

He didn't return the other man's smile. He still remembered the day before, the pure hatred that radiated from every fibre of that man's being and clashed with his own jealousy. How could he not be suspicious now? This sudden friendliness was very unnatural. He only nodded as the man asked about the swords but didn't say anything and didn't make a move for the food either. He was certainly not going to eat with that man. He should just ask him to leave, he thought. But he wanted to know the reason for this sudden change… he needed to know… there was only one explanation he could think of… but… no. That can't be… but… He snorted but didn't look away.

Of course, that smile, that unearthly happiness, that sudden kindness… that fire in those deep eyes… that fire was the same Will himself had seen so many times in the mirror after a night with Sarah, but that had been a long time ago, the innocent bond of two children slowly growing up… So they had been together last night… Will was sure if he went closer he could feel the traces of James' presence surrounding the other man - nothing visible, not even a unique scent, simply his presence that Will had become so used to in the past years. He decided to wait for the other man's next move, he was not going to make this easy for him. Tom took a breath, moving closer. He set the food down, and paused once more before walking to the other man.

"I'm not a hateful man by nature, William." His eyes, ever full of expression, displayed his honesty now. "I know I was harsh, even if only by my state of being. But I do regret it. Surely you understand how something can get under a man's skin." He put a hand on Will's shoulder, an attempt to be companionable. "I want you to know that I hold no ill will towards you. It is not often I am angered, but in such moments, I can lash out at the wrong people. And I fear that I have done so with you." It wasn't entirely a lie, he didn't hate Will. That day though, he'd been terrified, and he had indeed lashed in a way, at the other man. "I had hoped we could have breakfast together, and get to know each other. I am new after all, to Port Royal, and who better, you know, than someone near my own age that has lived here longer than I. I am sure our interests are similar... you seem an upright and noble man... I should like to be on your good side." He smiled again, this time more true. "Let me know what you are feeling... then, perhaps, we may settle this silly feud that has seemed to be set in motion. I don't wish to be recipient of negative thoughts."

Will slowly moved away from the hand that was resting on his shoulder. “I am at your service, if you want a sword, Sir.” he said watching with well hidden interest how the man would react to his words dripping with venom. “But otherwise I have nothing to discuss with you… Sir.” He didn't take his eyes off the man, whose name he didn't even know, didn't even want to know, it didn't matter.

He wondered what James liked about that man. He was good looking, sure, even with his scar, but Will could not detect anything special about him. Of course that might have been his jealousy. But he didn't trust him. He had learned not to trust very early. Everybody he loved had betrayed him. His father when he left to be a merchant sailor - so he had said. His mother when she died soon - too soon. His good luck when he almost drowned that day James had found him. Sarah… Sarah when she took her own life. And now James… He suddenly turned away, he could not bear to look at his rival any longer.

“You speak the words of the winner… would you have come to me if he had chosen a different path?”

"Yes." Tom said firmly. "I would feel for James whether he were to feel the same for me or not. And were you the man to make him happy, then I should want to shake your hand for it. Because that is my only wish. I told him to go to you, to talk to you. Whether he has, is not my place. I had hoped you two would talk, and perhaps start to heal. Believe it or not... I know how you feel. I know what it is to watch the man you love, who you've grown up with... feel for someone else. And I hate myself for being that man to you. I hate that I am the one who would cause the same pain that I once felt." It had been a realization that moment. That Will was in fact, in his place. And he had to stay himself not to allow himself to lose his composure... but he had to move away all the same, hand on his stomach. He felt sick.

"Perhaps... perhaps coming here was a bad idea. Now that I think about it... the more time I spent with the two of them, the more I knew of Stephen and Jack... the more I hated the man." He turned to look at Will once more. "Is that what you feel for me, William? A burning hatred deep inside your gut? So much, that were you not a better man, you would run me through this very moment?"

Will didn't answer for a long time. He just kept looking into the fire as if he saw his future in it. And then suddenly he turned to look at the other man.

“Are you a pirate?” An amused smile almost broke through his indifferent coldness as he was watching the other's reaction. “Probably not. You don't look like one to me. In that case…” he added as he grabbed the other man's hand firmly. “William Turner. Not Will. William. I'm not a friend but no foe either.” he smiled with a strange mixture of sadness and amusement but then he added seriously, still holding the other's hand strongly. “I don't trust you. I don't like you. Don't expect me to and we'll be fine.”

Tom looked almost shocked, "Pirate?" He shook his head, "Certainly not... What would make you ask such a question?" He moved away, over to the food, he took out a roll, moving farther away towards the door. "There's port in there as well. More than enough, if you do decide to eat, there will be two portions... I had hoped- but that doesn't matter. I should go, leave you to your work and breakfast. I hope you and James will get things sorted out, Mr. Turner." He paused at the door, looking at Will once more. "Tom. No matter social standings. Lieutenant Pullings isn't necessary... Just, Tom. If you need anything, and I am able to help- I shall. It is the same service I would offer any... but I'd like you to know that it is there."

“Mr. Pullings… Tom” Will called after the other man. “What happened to that man? The one you loved? Did you ever get along with him? Could you ever look past his betrayal? Could you ever stop hating him? Could you ever stop loving him?”

"He died." Tom said softly, looking at Will sadly. "And I regretted every ill feeling I had ever felt for him. Because no matter how I turned it, he was a good man. Him not loving me was never his fault. It's no one's." He said softly, looking at Will a long moment. "Don't live to regret, William." He spoke even softer then, before leaving.

Eating the warm roll as he made for the fort. Today had an interesting start. And he was not at all sure how he felt. He knew he felt dirty... he felt like the villain. He was never one to second guess himself... but he was doing it now. He didn't want to be Stephen... and yet... it was who he had become. Simply by falling in love. He was back to the fort faster than he'd thought he would be. He greeted those he passed, and made his way into his office. He finished his roll, hung his jacket, sat down, and firmly planted his face against his desk.

*

James couldn't stop grinning as he was making his way home the next morning. He was sure he could very easily get used to waking to Tom's loving kisses every morning. He tried to sneak into his house without making a sound so as not to wake Mrs. Eidan.  He slowly made his way up the stairs, like a child who was afraid of getting caught, but he didn't even set foot on the fifth step as he heard the rhythmical tapping of an irritated foot on the floor behind his back. He knew what he would see even before he turned around: Molly Eidan at her worst. All his carefree happiness disappeared in a second as he looked at the angry woman.

“Good…morning Molly, I hope I didn't wake you up… I just went for a walk, it was such a beautiful-“ she didn't even have to say anything, just look at him intently and he already felt like a scared schoolboy. He knew he could not fool her, she was a smart woman and always knew exactly when he was lying.

She had been with him from the day he arrived in Port Royal. She had been one of the few they could rescue that day when they found Will. She had no living relatives, since her only son had died some years earlier, no money and nowhere to stay. And since James needed someone to take care of the house anyway, he asked her to work for him. They got along well from the beginning, she was a lovely woman, and cared about James more than his own mother ever had. However, when she was angry, it was better to take a pistol and shoot yourself before her rage could reach you. It only happened occasionally, though, when she thought that James was being reckless and not taking care of himself. She meant it well, but it still annoyed James how he had more fear of her anger than of a whole ship of pirates. Like now. She didn't even say a word but he was already blushing and shaking, thinking about possible escape plans. This was ridiculous, he was the master of this house after all. He should be able to get out of this. Well, it was worth a shot.

“Why do I have to explain everything I do? I'm a grown-up man and can take care of myself. So if you'll excuse me…” and with that he turned around to leave. But he couldn't even take two steps before he heard Molly's cry from behind.

“Hold it there, young man. Who do you think you're talking to? I might just be a servant in this house but I love you as my son and will treat you as one too. I'm sorry to contradict you, but no, you can't take care of yourself - you might be a good Captain, a fearless leader in battle, but here on land you're just a bird with broken wings. You wouldn't even eat properly if I didn't force you! And don't tell me you would, because we both know it's not true. I know you Jamie. Where have you been all night? I've been worried sick! Don't tell me you have been on the shore brooding alone till dawn again. I'm sure you haven't even had dinner.”

“Molly, calm down.” James smiled. It always warmed his heart how much she loved him. “I did have dinner, a very good one, I might add. And I also had company. Very good company…” he added with a shy smile, more to himself than to her.

“Why didn't you start with that. I'm so happy for you, my dear. Who is she and when can I meet her, Jamie? Ask her for dinner, I want to know if that woman is good enough for you.” she said smiling happily.

“What? No, Molly, it's not… I mean… it's… it's too soon. Maybe… later. Look I have to get to my office, I'll be back late.” he said and burst out of his house without even looking back at her. He even forgot why he wanted to go home before going to the fort. All he could think of were Molly's words.  Who is she.  He walked fast, so fast that he was sure he wouldn't have noticed even if he was kidnapped by pirates. 

*

Tom had actually fallen asleep at his desk. He'd been brooding, only to wake to a pair a pale blue eyes look at him. They looked, inhuman- but were kind all the same. As he focused, he realized those eyes belonged to a face. A beautiful fair face, with a young look and a button nose. And for a moment, he swore he was staring at his sister. Then he noticed the blonde curls that fell past her shoulders. To a blue dress that was definitely that of the lower class, though kept very neat. And then he realized she was talking to him.

"Lieutenant? Sir... are you alright?" Dainty little hands were on his face, attempting to check for a fever.

"No... no... I'm fine. I just... didn't sleep well last night." He smiled softly at her, and stood. Taking her little hand in his and helping her to her feet from where she'd been kneeling beside him. "May I help you miss?" Realizing that he was in fact in his office, and there was some random young woman inside it. Though she looked so much like an angel, she may have just appeared.

"Oh... forgive me. I was told I could find you here." She pulled a piece of paper from her purse. "My name his Mary Powell... I saw your add in the general store, and... I was coming to inquire..." She said, looking down. "I probably shouldn't have bothered you at your office... but you didn't note say where your home was... they just told me who you were... so I did a bit of looking..." Tom's eyes widened, and he nodded.

"No, no. It's fine, Miss Powell. Please, have a seat." She sat across from him, and they spoke for a time. He decided to hire her, and sent her on her way to his home. With his key so that she could settle. She also promised to have dinner waiting for him. Tom was feeling more accomplished, he now had a live in maid. Progress.

As he rushed through the fort towards his office, James ran into somebody almost making that person fall. It was a beautiful young girl with blonde hair. Probably the sort of girl he was supposed to marry one day - of course, someone coming from a good family, but still… He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even apologize, he just stared at her gravely as if she was from another world. He must have scared her because she swiftly apologized and ran away. Why was he so upset about this? He had always known that one day he would have to marry someone and he accepted it as a necessary evil. What has changed? He thought as he stepped into his office. Was it because until this morning no one had ever mentioned it openly? He sat down at his desk and smiled as he noticed the food on his desk. Or was it because of Tom? Was it because he finally found the one person he wanted to grow old with but couldn't because of the stupidity of society?  He buried his head in his hands. If only Tom was here…

Ah yes, how the fates worked. Because Tom burst through the office door at that moment, shutting it behind him. He moved to the chair in front of James' desk, grin on his face. "I have found a maid!" He announced. Crossing his arms, looking rather smug. "A nice honest girl... very handsome. She would give Miss Swann a run if it weren't for her class. She's a fisherman's daughter, turns out, she crossed on the ship with me. Though the poor lass was kept down below decks with the slaves and criminals. I insisted she stay in my guest room... as I do not have servant quarters... She's making dinner tonight, you must come and meet her." He seemed quite happy that he wouldn't have to worry about working all day and keeping up his home. He paused again.

"Why so glum? Every time I come into this office you are in a weathered mood." He clucked his tongue, sitting back. "I swear it, if you are having second thoughts again... after last night... I may have to simply tie you to a bed post and never allow you to think further than the window."

James couldn't help it, he burst out laughing and without a word stood up and took Tom in his arms. It was amazing how all his worries, all his fears became less haunting the moment he could feel Tom's closeness.

“No second thoughts… it's just… never mind…” he sighed and pressed himself even closer to his lover. Tom's unique scent and the cheerfulness that always radiated from him calmed James down. “I'm fine… everything's fine as long as you're here.” he said without a smile, almost too desperately. His lips found Tom's cheek, then wandered farther to those addictive lips. He closed his eyes and drowned in the sensation of kissing Tom. He tried not to let his fears show in the kiss, he tried to forget everything but the pure bliss he had felt last night, he tried to hide behind the shield of Tom's cheerfulness. He tried. But he was not Tom. He couldn't stop his thoughts from haunting him. And he hated it. He hated himself for not being able to enjoy the time they had together without worrying about the future. But he couldn't change it. It was in his nature. This is who he was.

Tom kissed him back, no problem kissing him back. Melting into the other man. He wrapped his arms around him. He wanted to take this further, but there had been a reason for him to come to James' office. So he pulled back, nuzzling the other and pulled a letter from his vest pocket.

"Pirates." He stated, "They've been spotted along the south hamptons and along the Spanish main... the dispatch came to me, and I thought it needed your attention... so... I guess I'm not just here to distract you..." He smiled, as if saying sorry. He set the letter on James' desk, and leaned forward again. "But we could always delay a few minutes... the news won't have changed."

“I knew this relatively peaceful time couldn't last forever.” James sighed. “It's been far too long since we've had to chase after pirates…” he let go of Tom, walked to the window and looked out on the sea. He smiled softly. “This news didn't come a moment early. I've missed her. The sea, I mean. Her changing moods and wild nature. She's an unfaithful lover but I can't stop loving her.” he chuckled. “I really am a bird with broken wings on land…” He turned back towards Tom and as he spoke all his worries from before were forgotten. “Make the Interceptor ready, I think she deserves her first taste in the chill of hunting pirates. I want you to take care of all the preparations, Mr. Pullings. If you have any questions ask Mr. Groves - not Mr. Gillette - but make her ready as fast as possible.” he said sitting back at his desk, looking for some papers and didn't look up again as he added “You may take your leave, Mr. Pullings.” James had disappeared, the Captain has returned.

Tom snapped to attention, bringing his knuckles to his forehead in salute. "Yes, sir. I'll have her ready to sail by tomorrow morning, sir." He turned on his heel, moving from the room to his office to gather some things and pull on his jacket and hat, before moving along. He gave quick orders to all that needed them, before making his way down to the docks. He didn't question James, nor feel hurt. There was no mistaking duty and the personal. James may have been his love- but he was also his Captain, and those two lines could never blur. At the docks he ordered the ship be made ready to sail. He climbed aboard and began inspections, pausing to shout orders, or guide the men in the rigging. He liked his ship to be a finely tuned instrument, and he made sure it was so. Twice he'd found himself in the rigging, minding the sails, or checking work. Then down below, checking their stores, ordering more ammunition and grog. As well as officer quarters made ready. He had them working quick and efficiently, picking up a tune every so often to keep the mood up.

James finished all the work that needed to be done in his office before leaving and went home to tell Molly about the changed circumstances. She listened silently to his orders and didn't bring up their discussion from earlier that day. Then he went into his room and made everything ready so that he could leave early next morning. It was still quite early as he finished all the preparations and with nothing to do, his thoughts returned to their safe harbour - Tom. He was looking forward to seeing him at sea, how he tamed the waves, how he commanded the men. He was looking forward to spending all day together with him. But he was also a bit worried about how they could be together and yet apart all that time. He had no idea if Tom could find a way for them to be alone but he didn't count on it. A ship was a very small and crowded place… too dangerous. He tried to read a bit to get his mind off the matter but failed miserably. He had to see Tom again. It didn't matter that they have only parted a few hours before, he already felt the need to hold his lover in his arms. So he told Molly that he was going for a walk - and don't you worry about me Molly, I won't be long - and made his way to Tom's house, hoping the other man was already at home.

Mary was the one to answer the door, letting James know that Tom was in a bath, and that he was welcome to go see him. It seemed, she didn't actually think anything of it. Of course, she was used to visits at all hours when she'd lived at home, she assumed it was only natural. She smile politely and went back to cleaning the kitchen from the meal they'd had.

Tom was quite happy in the steaming water, eyes shut wet hair floating over his shoulders. He was relaxing, he'd taken a sea chest to the foot, which was a bit bruised, but he managed, and didn't complain, just had a bit of a limp. Though the hot water did wonders. He was humming to himself, unable to hear with his head half submerged, feet hanging over the opposite edge of the tube so he could do so.

James' heart stopped for a moment as he opened the door. For long minutes he couldn't move and just stood in the door watching Tom. He looked so peaceful. So beautiful. And then with just a few long strides he was at Tom's side, kneeling on the floor, one hand holding Tom's head above the water, lips pressed to lips. He couldn't help it, he was starving for his lover's closeness. He leaned closer and closer to get more contact and didn't even notice that his upper body was already half in the water. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered just that beautiful body underneath him. Just the way Tom made him feel.

A grin broke out on Tom's face as he kissed James back. "Why don't you just get in?" He asked, fingers reaching up to poke James' wet clothes. "There's room for one more." He purred, moving around so that he could sit up, and James would fit in behind him. "You're going to have to lay those out now, to dry. He looked him over pointedly, and laughed softly. There was a knock on the door, and from the other side Mary's little voice said, "I'm going to bed, sir." Tom answered with an 'alright', and Mary did just that. Changing into her night gown, and crawling into bed. It was better than anything she'd ever lived in. She had a feeling about the two... but she wouldn't tell. She figured Tom would do the same for her. And she could tell, they were both good men. They deserved to be happy.

James quickly undressed and cautiously got into the bath, sitting behind Tom. As soon as he was inside he pulled his lover closer and placed a soft kiss just behind Tom's right ear.

“I've missed you.” His lips found their way to Tom's again and he couldn't help but moan as they made contact. He allowed himself a couple of minutes before he pulled away a bit. He needed to ask.

“Tom. How… is there a way… I mean… Is there a way… on sea to…” he blushed and chuckled softly. “I thought I was past being easily embarrassed in front of you, but it seems I've been mistaken.” Tom smiled, relaxing back against the other man.

"James, you worry too much. I am your second in command. There are two very important things you are forgetting. No one will think anything of a Lieutenant and his Captain working into the night. And most importantly... my cupboard his next yours." He couldn't help the devilish grin on his face. "You're so worried about what people might know, that you forget about what is common knowledge, my darling." He reached for the sponge, absently washing over himself, arms and chest, leaning his head back on to James' shoulder. "Faith. Faith, James. It's very important you have it... or else you will do nothing but depress."

“I know I worry too much.” James sighed. “But I can't help it. I have been careless once and caused the death of someone I cared about a lot. All because I forgot to lock a door. I… I can't let that happen again. Not with you.” he said placing an uncertain hand on Tom's chest and pulling him even closer. “I can't lose you, Tom. I wouldn't survive it.” He placed a soft kiss on Tom's scar. “But I trust you. I trust us. That we can make it work. I…” he wanted to say it. He wanted it more than anything in this world but instead he just kissed that scar he loved so much again.

"I love you too, James." Tom said softly. "What happened before... it wasn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself. It's like blaming yourself for a storm... it was nothing you could control. The two of you were together full well knowing the possibilities. Just as we are now. We know what society says, and we choose to be true to ourselves. There is no wrong in that. And there is no fault. If I were to fall in battle, would you still blame yourself? Because it is the same. It's you and I... against the world... and just as we should stand tall on the quarter deck, so too must we stand strong in our love. You don't wonder if the sun will come up each dawn... you just know it will be so." He turned his head to look at James. "Don't question what we have... because come sunrise, it shall still be what it is."

“With you everything seems so easy.” James smiled. “I feel as if I could fight the whole world with you at my side. Does that make me sentimental?” he chuckled. “I know you're right. I know I can't blame myself for everything bad that happens, but… it's easier this way. Believing that something is beyond my power is frightening. But I really need to get home now. I've promised Mrs. Eidan, I'll be home in time. Stop giggling, Tom, this is serious. You have no idea how angry she was that I didn't go home yesterday. She was worried.” he pulled Tom into a kiss to chase away that smug smile from his lips but only managed to turn it into a wide grin.

"You are seriously worried of what your house maid will think!? Oh James..." He rolled so that he could face the other, cupping his face. "My sweet, sweet James... You can be known as the scourge of Piracy, yet Mrs. Eidan has your knees shaking." He kissed the other's nose. "Though if you really must go... I shan't stop you."

"Just wait till you have the honour of being on the receiving end of her worrying love, just wait. You won't be laughing then." James said getting out of the water. He dried himself up and got dressed, trying not to look at Tom. He wouldn't have been able to leave if he had let his eyes wander. When he was ready, he kissed Tom again and left, safe in the knowledge that they would meet again in the morning.