InsaneJournal

Title: An Affair With History
Authors: GoldenGardenias and SunsetDawn20
Rating: PG to NC-17
            This Chapter: NC-17
Summary: This is the seventh chapter of our Pirates of the Caribbean/Master and Commander crossover fic; filled with various pairings. To learn more, visit the site for this story. HERE
            This Chapter: Familiar feelings and new sensations when out at sea again.
A/N: Blue parts are written by GoldenGardenias,  Brown by SunsetDawn20.
Previous chapters can be found here.

Seven

            Tom was up bright and early, just before dawn. He was excited to be out at sea once more. He stood on the docks for a time to oversee the rest of the loading, before he climbed aboard the Interceptor. He knew the Dauntless was James' ship. Andrew had told him how much James loved it, and how he'd slept on her even in port when she first arrived. Tom understood. A man's ship was an extension of himself, his life, his livelihood. And the moment he'd set foot on her, he had known that this was his ship. Though it did belong under James, and it was a gift... assuring that James was in fact, going to be named Commodore... It still called to Tom. He'd sail blissfully on her from England to Port Royal. He'd taken the time to know her every knot and chip. He knew her haul inside and out, he knew the feel of her deck against bare feet, and bare hands. He could fell her heart pounding with his. And he could not give her up.

            He moved to her main mast, a pen knife taken from his pocked, and a slice made down his right hand. Nothing deep, not even painful. But enough. He placed his hand against the wood, letting his blood smear before he moved it away and watched the wood suck it in greedily. Yes, now he was a part of her as well. She'd accepted him, she wanted him. And he couldn’t help but smile as he wrapped his handkerchief around his hand and tied it. Pen knife hidden away once more. He breathed the harbour air in deeply, feeling a shiver run down his spine. He could not wait to be at her helm. Of course James had first priority, it was "his" ship. Then, if he was allowed, he could take the wheel before the coxswain... and he wanted to. He wanted to feel her shudder beneath him, and learn how she cut through the water. They were both new to these seas, they could learn them together.

            James tried to sneak out of the house early to escape Molly’s motherly advices - “don’t you dare die out there, Jamie, because if you do, I’ll drag you back from the depths of the sea just to punish you properly, you can bet on that” – but she was up early and only let him go after a suffocating farewell hug. After he made it out of the house in one piece, he made his way to the docks fast. It was a beautiful morning perfect for setting out on a voyage, but James had no eyes for his surroundings. Ever since he had decided that they would set out to sea, he felt that little fluttering feeling in his feet that told him it was time. It was time to return home again. How he had missed the sea and the constant rocking of his ship under his feet. How he had missed the sweet melody of his ship making love to the sea – so much like the addictive moans of Tom underneath him. This thought made James grin and walk even faster. He couldn’t wait to be out of Port Royal, to be at sea again, to be with Tom all the time…

            Life wasn’t so bad after all, he thought. And, if he was completely honest with himself, that was the first time in a very long time that a thought like that even crossed his mind. That must have been Tom’s influence – he was good at showing the way through the dark night, illuminating the face of the weary traveller that James had become through the years. As he arrived at the docks he first saw the Dauntless, his beautiful girl, and smiled affectionately as if apologising for not taking her this time – of course, she would be jealous of the Interceptor, a faster and younger ship, but only at first because she could be sure that her James would return to her as soon as he could. Although James was not sure how she would react to Tom, her only real rival… Tom. He should be here already.

            “Ah, Mr. Groves, have you seen Mr. Pullings somewhere?” he asked as he saw the other man.

            “Yes, sir, he’s already on the Interceptor taking care of everything. If I might say so, Captain, he’s very effective, I think we can be glad to have him.”

            “Thank you, Mr Groves, I had that impression too.” James smiled and made his way to the Interceptor… and Tom.

            Tom had a friendly smile on his face, shaking the hands of men he had no yet met, no matter their rank. He asked each their name, and tried to lock it down in his memory.

            "Is the top mizzen ready? I assume you had time to mend it properly since yesterday." He was pleased to hear that it was. "Excellent, thank you Toby." The man seemed excited that the higher ranking man knew his name. Tom clapped him in the shoulder, and made his way up into the sails to check on it himself. Like any good officer would do. It was in top shape.

            He took a moment to look out at the horizon, the whole sea would soon open up to them. And he was more than a little excited. He made his way down the ropes, to land on deck with a thump, happy with the sturdy feel of wood beneath his feet. The moment he saw his commander, he marched straight over to him. Saluting him and then taking his place beside him.

            "Captain Norrington, sir. The Interceptor will ready to sail the moment those last crates are brought aboard, sir."

            “Thank you, Mr. Pullings. I must say I’m impressed, I’ve never seen the men work so efficiently and hard. And they seem to like you already” he added with a hint of a smile only meant for Tom. “How do you like her, Tom?” James asked silently, slowly touching the wood with only his fingertips, gently, almost as if he didn’t want to insult her, while he was trying to resist the urge to pull Tom closer, or at least brush his hands with his fingers. “She’s beautiful, isn’t she? Nothing like my old girl, but still beautiful. I wonder how she’ll like the thrill of chasing pirates.”

            "She is beautiful, sir." He two moved his hand to the rail, caressing her. "She is breath taking..." He added, his fingers meeting James. Though no one would notice, Tom's smile did widen as he looked up and into James' eyes. "She's excited... can you feel it?" He asked, keeping his distance in the public eye, but longing to move closer to James. To press against him like they had been, to feel his flesh against his own. Ah, this would be lovely. Perhaps, if there was a lull in duty, he might entice the man to swim with him. He remembered how Jack and he would jump in with some of the men when they were stuck in doldrums. And how they would tease Dr. Maturin about collecting fish but never swimming with them. And splash at him in his little row boat as he netted for fish to study.

            James felt his heart skip a beat as he felt Tom’s gentle touch. It took all his willpower to stop himself from dragging the other man into his cabin that moment. He wanted to touch him, taste him, feel him like that night – it had only been two days before but it felt like an eternity. But this was not the right moment. There was work to do. He needed to concentrate on his duty. So he pulled his hand away from Tom’s to fight his temptation but as he pulled away he still made sure to brush gently, almost invisibly against Tom’s fingers one more time. Then he cleared his throat and spoke as indifferently as possible with all that sweetly torturous tension in his stomach and lower.

            “Mr. … Mr. Pullings, I think it’s time to weigh anchor, this young beauty is already trembling with anticipation. And” he added with an almost invisible smile. “I expect you in my cabin as soon as possible, we need to discuss our course of action.” And he even believed that that was all he wanted to do with Tom in his cabin.

            Tom nodded, turning on his heel and calling out the order. Beginning to move around deck to make sure things were in order, finally coming to stand on the quarter deck, over looking all that was going on around him.

            "Captain Norrington, sir, would you like to take her out?" He asked, in truth, he wanted James to take his turn so he could have a go at the wheel. He was more than a little excited to. He could feel how eager she was too. Soon, he told himself, caressing the rail. So they would be out of sight of land, the sea vast and calling... and the Interceptor all his. As well as the captain. He couldn't help be thinking about the cabin.

            Yes, of course they must chart a course, decide what they would do... but they were also have time alone. Time to just be together. The ship could practically run itself, they were not needed always. Come noon, he'd have a short break before second watch, and come third watch he was free until first watch started again. That left he and James with the entire evening... as the Captain could choose to do as he pleased. And Tom rather hoped HE was what pleased.

            James stepped to the wheel, letting his hand roam over the rough surface – lovingly, as if he was caressing the body of a lover. She trembled like a virgin, which she was – touched by a gentle hand for the first time. James could almost hear her shy but at the same time almost wantonly keen sigh, which reminded him of Tom’s moans from that night. Yes, she was very much like Tom, just like the Dauntless was very much like James. Complete opposites they were, just like Tom and James, but still the same.

            The Dauntless, like James himself, was already marred by experience and heavy with memories. While the Interceptor was young, beautiful, virginal and carefree – like Tom. Wouldn’t it be right to give Tom the chance to be her first? To show her the frightening beauty of making love to the sea? James smiled at Tom and said silently so that only he would hear

            “You do it, Tom. She’s much more your ship than she’ll ever be mine, isn’t she?” And he stepped aside to let Tom take his rightful position. Tom looked at James for a long moment, the excitement clear in his eyes. He felt a shiver travel through him as he stepped behind the wheel. He caressed over the spokes, cooing to her. Then he looked at James again.

            "Are you sure?" He asked softly, smile finding its way back to his face as he was given the okay. He carefully guided her out of the harbour, and then out of the bay. His hold firm steady, he knew how to handle a ship. He was confident, and as they reached the open sea, he called out, "Full canvas!" Speeding their journey along. He had fallen for the Interceptor just as he had fallen for James. It was fast and true. He felt as if he were flying. The wind blowing around him, the sea spray against his skin. James at his side. This must be what heaven feels like. He could think of nothing else. It was not until the bell tolled at noon that he gave her up to the coxswain. They were a good ways out now, far enough that Port Royal was no longer in site. The world was left behind them. Society, and expectations… they were all gone. All that was left were them, and the deep blue.

            James could have spent a whole lifetime just watching Tom at the wheel of the Interceptor. He looked so confident but gentle and careful at the same time. And she rewarded him for it with her every movement. They were meant for each other, so much was clear. As Port Royal became smaller and smaller on the horizon, James felt all his burdens sink to the bottom of the sea – in a way it had never happened aboard the Dauntless. She was troubled herself, just like James, and couldn’t take off his burdens. But the Interceptor could do exactly that without even trying hard, that’s what he loved in her, that’s what he loved in Tom.

            And now, standing beside Tom, he knew what complete freedom meant – what he-who-James-will-never-think-of-and-will-hopefully-never-have-to-meet-again meant by Freedom. Not just being able to go wherever you want, do whatever you want – but also being free of torturing thoughts, worries and fears. It felt amazing. He was almost disappointed when Tom stepped away from the wheel at noon – but only almost, because it meant that maybe they could have some time alone. Of course, only to discuss their course of action – right.

            "Should we have lunch in your cabin, sir, and go over the course?" He asked innocently, though his thoughts were mostly anything but. He thought they go over plans as they ate, and once finished... he could pounce on his lover, and give him the hello kiss he'd really been wanting to give him. He couldn't help it. The man was impossible to resist. He was just so... perfect... in a completely flawed way, and it was glorious. They had at least a week of sailing ahead of them, if the weather was perfect... which it never was. And in that week, they had very little responsibility aside from over seeing that everything ran smoothly. Meaning... if James wanted to go over plans and charts several times a day... no one would ask questions... after all, that's what Captains and Lieutenants do... who would think twice of it?

            James just nodded and made his way to his cabin, too excited already to trust his voice. As soon as they were inside, he grabbed Tom and pressed their lips together. He had been waiting for this moment for far too long. His right hand travelled higher and settled on the nape of Tom’s neck; and his left hand mysteriously found its way downwards to Tom’s hip, pulling him closer. ‘Is that what you call lunch?’ a vicious voice in his mind asked. ‘Hm?’ he asked back, unable to concentrate on anything else than the beautiful body of his lover pressed against him. ‘Lunch, you know, food, something you put in your mouth – no, not his tongue!!!’ ‘Shut… up!’ was all James could manage, completely lost in the intoxicating sensations. ‘Alright, but if Tom faints because you wouldn’t let him eat, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you’ the voice said, feigning indifference. At that James finally stopped kissing Tom, and still breathing heavily whispered against his lips: “Lunch.” Kiss. “Very…” Kiss. “…important.” One final kiss. Ok, one more.

            "Not really..." Tom murmured, his hand all over James. He just couldn't stop touching the other man. And they really had a mind of their own, they had already worked their way under James' jacket, and were pushing it off his shoulders. His lips moving back to James' lips, taking them back to where they left off.

            "We can eat... after..." He breathed into the other man's mouth. Long fingers heading up towards James' hat and wig to deviate him of them. Pins into hat, then the wig... hat tossed to the table. "Oh got it feels like forever since I've touched you..." He growled, pushing his own jacket from his shoulders. "Let’s just curl in your bed and rock with the sea." He kissed along James' jaw, and down his neck. "We have time... we have nothing but time... I want to spend it all with you, James. Every last moment, every single breath."

            Tom didn’t have to ask twice, James was all over him already – tugging at the ribbon in Tom’s hair, fumbling with both of their shirts and breeches – but he was so eager and needy that his fingers were trembling and he couldn’t really get any further without help. It was quite pathetic, actually, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter, not with Tom. With him he could forget his thoughts and could concentrate on the one thing that really mattered – the heart.

            Since he found himself unable to get rid of their clothes he did the only think he seemed to be capable of – he continued kissing and touching Tom while he pushed him closer and closer to the bed and finally pushed his young lover on it without letting go of him. His lips travelled lower to Tom’s neck and collarbone – he found himself getting easily addicted to this particular part of the other man’s body. He could taste the sea’s kiss on Tom’s smooth skin and jealously tried to erase even the memory of her touch on his lover. His lover. Yes, Tom belonged to him, just as he belonged to Tom. Nothing and nobody could destroy this, he was sure of it.

            Tom gave a low moan, reaching between them to attempt to get his own shirt off. "James... James..." He pulled away, cheeks flushed, hair spread over the pillow. "This isn't going to work with our clothes on... Let’s take a moment, I swear we can get straight back to where we were." He teased, kissing him once more before tugging his shirt off and tossing it to the floor. He sat up, pulling off his stockings, and tossing them aside too. The buttons to his breeches undone, and once wiggled out of, were added to the pile on the floor. He laid back on his elbows, watching James, a fond smile on his face.

            "James..." He asked finally, "What can men... what can we do together?" He wanted to know, wanted to give James everything he could. He'd never been with a man until James, but James had been with someone... and he hoped he would know. He hated to be forced into asking Gillette and Groves... and he was more than sure they would know... just the way they looked at each other made him suspect then rarely spent their nights in separate hammocks.

            James had just managed get rid of all his clothes and was about to join Tom on the bed when he heard the question he didn’t see coming – not this soon. He had thought or rather hoped that Tom would be content with what they had been doing that night and would not ask yet for more. He blushed and didn’t dare to look at Tom, not to mention touch him.

            “Well… um… they… I mean… we… there is…” Great. He laughed nervously. Suddenly he felt very naked and it even crossed his mind to just evade the question by grabbing his clothes and running away. But then his eyes met Tom’s – so full of love and trust. “Look, Tom” he sighed, sitting down on the bedside. “I know, I should be the one in charge, that I should be the one showing you the way… but… I… I can’t… you must think I’ve had a lot of experience before, but you’re wrong… I’ve only been with one man and that was 15 years ago… there are… ways of giving pleasure… but… Tom, I’m scared, probably more that you are… I know you trust me, I can see it in your eyes, but… I don’t trust myself… I don’t want to hurt you, Tom, you must understand that…”

            Tom smiled, scooting over to James and kneeling behind him, wrapping his arms around the older man's middle, and resting his chin on James' shoulder. "I just know you've had experience, I never assumed as to how much." He said softly, fingers absently swirling over James' chest. "I ask you because you at least have some, whereas I have none. I would lead if I knew the way, if only for you, my darling. But I do not know. But what I am sure of, is that you would never hurt me. I am willing to do anything to give you pleasure James, I just need to know how. I have seen hammocks rocking from more than the sea, but I have not seen what is hidden in the darkness. No one speaks of it." He kissed James cheek.

            "Should I lay upon the bed, with my body open to you, so that you may have your way with me? You are so shy to speak it... if I were to just give myself wholly to you, would you then take it? Would that be easier for you, my love?" He kissed his cheek again, before lying back on the bed, spreading himself out on his back. "I am yours, take me. Have me as you like. I will not protest as long as I can feel your touch."

            “This is not about me finding pleasure, Tom” James said almost angrily, jumping up from the bed and turning towards his lover. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed deeply and then gently leaned above Tom, kissing his scar. “This is about us. There is no ‘me’ without ‘you’.” he added bringing his lips above Tom’s. “Let’s just… don’t talk, don’t think, just… feel…” He placed a teasing kiss on Tom’s soft lips. “and we’ll see where that leads us…” he added with a small smile in the corner of his mouth before he lay down beside Tom, pulling him close. His lips were already pressed against Tom’s again, his hands were roaming freely over his lover’s beautiful body. But before it could get out of hand he pulled his lips away a bit and waited for Tom’s consent.

            Tom looked like a scolded puppy, a pout coming to his lips at James' words. "I... it's just... giving you pleasure will give me pleasure..." He whispered, looking down. And did not speak until James had kissed away his sorrow. At the paused, he looked confused, searching James' eyes. "Don't stop..." He pleaded, leaning forward to claim his lover's lips once more. There was really enough talk. He was far to eager to debate. His own hands roamed over James' body, finding all of the marks he'd searched for their first night together. Blunt nails running lightly down James' back, wanting to see the reaction. To learn what his lover liked.

            His lips found their way down James' neck, and along his shoulder. He couldn't help a playful nip here and there, his body thrumming with each beat of his heart. And lower, he was pulsing and ready. He couldn't remember being so aroused before... seeing James' handsome form in the plain light of day filtering through the cabin's windows. Know that they didn't have to wait for the cover of darkness. They didn't have to pretend to be with a wife, or lover left at home... this was not just to get by. This was because they wanted to... they were the lovers. They wanted each other for what they were. There was no pretending, only bliss.

            Nothing in his entire life had felt as wonderful as feeling Tom explore his body with soft lips that were eager, innocent and teasing at the same time. He felt himself get more aroused with every passing second until he wasn’t sure anymore where he was or even who he was, it didn’t matter, all he could feel were the sweetly torturous sensations that made him sigh and moan and gasp. He buried his hand in Tom’s long hair and let himself plunge ever deeper into a dream he never wanted to wake up from again, a dream solely built upon one rhythm – the sound of Tom’s name from his lips. But very soon he needed more, more of this, more of Tom, so he grabbed his lover’s arm and desperately tried to pull him up, his lips back to where they belonged, locked in a feverish kiss. His hands wandered lower over the back of the other man, lower and lower, partly to pull him closer, partly to explore while he whispered feverishly against his lover’s lips – “Tom, I… I… lo… God, Tom. ”

            Tom was breathing heavily, panting between kisses. He curled a leg over James' hip, his hand back up once more, buried in James' hair. Unable to give him more than deep, open mouthed kisses. He just needed that contact. And every time their tongues touched it sent a bolt of pleasure straight down to his groin. He moved up a little more, so that their faces were completely even. Which had his member pressed at the base of James' stomach, and James' shaft comfortably seated between his legs. And for some reason, it excited him more then when they'd been pressed together. His body told him to grind down against James' shaft, and he did, moaning softly at the feel.

            "Oh god... I love you too James..." He panted against his lover's lips. "James... James..." He whined, clinging to the older man desperately. As if for dear life.

            James couldn’t take it anymore. Hearing Tom pant his name feverishly and feeling him move on top of him was simply more than he could take. With one swift movement he pushed Tom on his back, never stopping his demanding kisses. Slowly one hand, as if it had its own mind, started its journey downwards, down to a place Tom had offered to James not so long ago but he was not willing to claim his own, not yet, but he would explore, each time a bit more not only to accustom his lover to the sensations but also to quench his own fears.

            He tried to remember what Dan had used to make this easier for him all those years ago, but everything from that night was covered in the thick mist of the past and all he could remember were fragmental pictures and emotions which seemed almost dull compared to what he was feeling now. In lack of a better idea he brought his fingers up one more time and stopping the kiss for an excruciatingly long second, he licked it. He felt himself blush, it felt somehow stupid and ridiculous but he soon forgot it all as he felt Tom’s lips against his own again. He still felt nervous as his finger found that hidden place it was searching for and he needed to stop the kiss again, searching for reassurance in Tom’s eyes.

            Tom gasped, it wasn't what he'd expected, but he wasn't about to push James away either. He could feel a nervous ball building in his stomach. He would give it a chance... he wasn't entirely sure what James meant to do, but he would try it all the same. He looked into James' eyes and nodded, licking his lips before leaning down to capture his lips again.

            "It's okay." He assured him, and it took a good bit of courage to nudge down against James' finger. It was so obscene, the very idea, and he could feel a bright blush covering his face. But at the same time, it was intoxicating, the unknown. He'd never been afraid to step into the abyss, set food on new shores... he didn't fear this. It was just so... no one had ever done this to him, no where near this. It wasn't something he'd ever have imagined happening. And he was exited for it to come, but still terrified of it... but anything could be overcome in James' arms. He could touch the stars as long as James was touching him. He spread his legs slightly, allowing James more access to do whatever he planned to.

            James traced the line of Tom’s lips with the thumb of his left hand and brought their foreheads together. He was breathing heavily. He was scared, so scared. He almost wanted Tom to stop him, to tell him it was too soon, or… whatever. But Tom only opened his legs wider, inviting him to do whatever he wanted. So James gathered all his courage, clamped his eyes shut and slightly pushed against Tom, meeting much more resistance than he’d expected and it scared him even more.

            Of course he remembered some discomfort but the pleasure that came afterwards washed it all away and now he could not remember anymore how much pain was really involved in this. Maybe it was more than Tom would be willing to feel, maybe…. maybe this was not a good decision after all… maybe he should just stop. But he didn’t. He tried again to push his finger inside, this time successfully, but he immediately regretted it, literally feeling Tom’s pain. Tom wasn't expecting it at first, but relaxed himself. The first finger felt... awkward. It didn't really hurt just felt, out of place. He frowned slightly, as he wiggled against it, trying to get used to the feeling.

            "Feels... odd..." He said, not in pain, not nervous... just calm. Experiencing what this was. It wasn't bad... and as the finger began to feel less like an intrusion, and more like stimulation... it wasn't that bad. He let his eyes flutter shut, relaxing into the bed. Trying to keep himself open for James, trying not to let his body tense. Though it did once or twice, only to relax again. "It's not bad..." He mused, looking at James. "Why were you so afraid of this?" He asked, suddenly feeling like it wasn't that bit of a deal. It was different, sure... but he could definitely get used to it.

            “This is not yet the part I’m afraid of, Tom.” James couldn’t hold back a short, nervous laugh. He kissed Tom’s scar in momentary relief. But with his worries gone for a moment, he had time to reflect on their current position and blushed. It was so surreal, having a finger buried deep inside another man. Strangely enough it just made him want Tom more, he could almost feel how his desire grew with every breath they took. He moved his finger a bit, searching for something he vaguely remembered to feel amazing. He had no idea, really, what he was searching for but he seemed to have found it judging by Tom’s reaction. Tom looked confused a moment as James began to move his finger... but then... He cried out, having to bite down on his hand to quiet himself as he arched and pressed down against James' finger.

            "Oh god." He groaned, rolling his head to the side. "What did you do!? That felt amazing..." It was a sort a breathless whine, fingers beginning to clutch at the bedding. Who cared about awkward now, he wanted to feel THAT again. He found himself planting his feet on the bed, and spreading his legs further, closing his eyes once again. He was determined to feel everything. He reached out for James, tugging him down for a kiss... they'd gone too long without one as it was. His body had calmed some, he didn't feel so needy now. Didn't feel like it had to be now, fast, hard... it could just be. And he found in sort of comforting. The taking it all in.

            James smiled into the kiss. This was not so bad, after all. Tom seemed to like it very much. He continued to move his finger, trying to brush that spot as often as possible, just to hear Tom cry out again the way he had. It was intoxicating to see Tom writhe in pleasure under his body and he wanted more, so much more. Every little moan, every little sigh just made him desire Tom more. He wanted to hear more, and to give more for it in return, so without thinking twice about it, he slowly pushed another finger inside, nervous but also curious what would happen.

            Tom let out a gasp, his toes curling, fingers tightening their grip on the bed. A little stretch, but still not bad. Actually, it was starting to feel quite good. He found he liked the idea of James being able to touch him in a way no one else could ever... had ever... He hoped that he might be able to do the same with James. He'd like to make James writhe on the bed simply from being inside him, like James was now. He found that he wanted more. And his mind put two and two together. If James could use his fingers... that meant James could actually BE inside him. It dawned on him and his eyes went wide... but not in shock. No, he was utterly moved. His eyes glistening with love, he was silent for a moment. His lips parting, but no sound escaping them for some time, before he finally managed a sound. His voice was a breathy whisper, a soft smile forming on his lips.

            "James.." He said softly, lifting his hand to cup the other's cheek. "Is this... are we... Are you going to make love to me?" He finally got out. "Is... is that what this is?"

            James looked deep in his lover’s eyes searching for the fear he himself felt, but only found love. He wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t want to go so far so soon – no that was a lie, he did want it, he wanted to be close to Tom, closer than to anyone ever before, he wanted this more than anything in this world. But his heart was still beating in fear, so unsure, so nervous. He was very conscious that he would need much more than this to make this easier for Tom but couldn’t think of anything that he could use – it would hurt this way… no, he couldn’t stand that… He placed a soft kiss on Tom’s lips before speaking with uncertainty in his voice.

            “It’s your decision, Tom. But… you need to know that… it will hurt… I don’t know what to use to make it easier… I can’t remember…” He sighed. “I won’t pretend I don’t want it. But I don’t want you to say yes, just because you think that’s what I want you to say. We have time. There’s no need to hurry. It’s your choice, Tom; I won’t make it for you.” Tom shook his head and smiling just a little more.

            "I'm not afraid... I'm honoured... you... you really care for me so deeply that you would want to do this with me" He asked, caressing the other man's face. Though his mind was trying to think of something that could to what James' saliva had only been able to do partly. He absently looked at the desk in the corner of the room, and he raised an eyebrow. "Oil..." He said almost to himself, before looking to James. "What about lamp oil?" He asked, remember how slick it had made his fingers when he'd been a lad, testing everything out... he'd gotten in trouble for wasting the oil... but... still... it seemed that knowledge had brought him some help in present time. "Will that work?"

            James didn’t look at the table, just continued to stare into Tom’s eyes. He wasn’t sure he was happy with this discovery and with Tom’s lack of fear, because it left him time to think about his own concerns. He knew, if Tom was at least a bit nervous, he could get his mind off his own fears by trying to calm the other man down. But at the same time he admired his lover’s courage – of course that might have been only because he still didn’t fully understand what was to come. After a while he just nodded to the question Tom had asked and kissed his lover before getting up from the bed. When he returned with the oil, he didn’t lie back immediately, just sat down on the edge of the bed, not looking at Tom.

            “Are… are you sure, Tom?”

            Tom nodded. "I want to be with you in everyway I can." He said softly, slowly sitting up and moving over to James. "It's okay if you're not ready, James." He wrapped his arms around him, and leaned his head on the other man's shoulder. "I understand if it's too fast for you. I told you James... I'd wait for you. We don't have to do it now. I'll be just as ready when you are. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, love. I want you to be happy. I want these moments we share to be special, to be good memories. If you're not ready, then I don't want to. I want it when you do, James."

            All the answer James gave Tom was a kiss that became deeper and deeper as he pushed his lover back onto the bed. His heart was still pounding violently but not only out of fear but out of anticipation and excitement. He carefully dipped his fingers into the oil and experimentally pushed them inside his lover again, moving them to the rhythm of his needy kisses. Soon his two fingers were joined by a third, just to make sure Tom was well prepared. James made sure to brush against that hidden place that made Tom arch off the bed as often as possible. They were both breathing heavily now, his lungs almost crushed by the intensity of his desire. “You… tell… oh, God… Tom… tell when… you’re… ready.”

            It was much different, with the easy slide of the oil. Felt a lot odder... but he definitely wasn't complaining. The third finger gave him a burning sensation as he was stretched open. It made him gasp and shut his eyes. But it didn't take long until that was forgotten, the way James teased him with his fingers... it felt so... good. And those his body had calmed, every time James brushed over that spot inside him, he was caught in a whirl-wind of pleasure. He was actually quite surprised that he was back to a writhing mass in no time at all. His body taking control over him. He rocked against James' fingers, it felt so good. He turned his head to the side in abandon... it was becoming clear that he wouldn't be capable of thought soon. So he decided he should give the go ahead while he could still manage words.

            "Yes... yes... please... Oh god, please, James... I'm ready... I'm ready for you, Jamie..." He whined, pressing himself against his lover's fingers. He was sure he had to look like some wanton whore. Rocking himself against this knew pleasure, unable to help himself.

            James couldn’t stop a deep moan at hearing Tom’s plea for more and feeling him rock against his fingers. He quickly reached for the oil and slicked himself carefully before he positioned himself between Tom’s long legs. He was trembling almost uncontrollably with emotions he could no longer analyse as fear or excitement – they were a mysterious mixture of so much. He waited. He wanted to take it all in. Everything that made this so special. He felt like a blushing virgin again, which in a way he was. He had been on the receiving end of this a couple of times but never…

            It was his first time too and he wanted to remember it always. The way Tom’s legs instinctively curled around his waist. The way Tom’s strong arms held him close. Those sinful lips so close to his own. And eyes, deeper than the sea and more mysterious, eyes that spoke of an understanding of all James could not voice but felt in every fibre of his being. He wanted to capture that moment when the pain that would come very soon turns into infinite pleasure. He wanted to burn that moment into his mind. He wanted to lock that moment in his memory for ever. He wanted that moment to haunt him even in death, even in the depth of Davy Jones’ locker. Always. Always Tom. His love. Forever. And he carefully pushed inside.

            Tom took in a sharp breath. It hurt... it was quite amazing how he suddenly felt like he was being split in two, right down the middle. How he was burning inside, how there was sweat clinging to his brow, and his eyes were clamped shut, and his body clenched tight. He clung to James, perfectly still for a long moment, panting into his lover's ear. He wanted to say that it hurt, wanted to tell James what he was feeling. But he was afraid he'd scare James off... and he didn't want that. So he was still, trying to remember how to breathe normally, trying to get his body to relax. He just thought of James. James' gentle caress, the feel of his love's arms around him... and slowly he began to relax, he body loosened up. Allowing James in all the way. And it hurt, it most definitely hurt. But there was something more. Something beyond the pain that made him want to keep going.

            "Just... just don't move a moment..." He said softly, licking is lips. Taking deep breaths. Slowly his body accepted the intrusion, loosened up. And it still hurt, still burned like hell. But it wasn't as bad. He could bear it. Then he nodded, opening his eyes to stare up into James'. And he was lost... there was nothing beyond those green eyes. "Alright..." He said softly, running his fingers through James' hair. Unable to break the link between their eyes except to blink. He trusted James with everything he was. Trust the other man to make this pain part of a greater experience... to mould it into something he'd want to do over and over. He knew this was what they needed. Knew that this... this would truly make him belong to James, fully and completely. James was inside of him. Deep inside him body, marking his very soul. Yes, this he would keep with him always.

            James was trying to concentrate on every little flinch of Tom’s body, but it was very hard to focus on anything else than the intense pleasure that washed over him as he was sliding deeper and deeper into Tom’s awaiting body. But he still could feel that Tom was in pain and tried to help him in the only way he could, by murmuring comforting words into his ear, though he wasn’t sure Tom was aware of it. Slowly he felt Tom relax and breathe more calmly again and then suddenly those deep eyes were locked with his and he felt more vulnerable than ever before.

            As he slowly started moving he knew that finally he would be able to give up at least some of his barriers and free himself from doubt and fear. Yes, he thought, as he quickened his pace and made sure to find that spot with each of his thrusts, yes, here with Tom he could let go of expectations, social standing, fear of discovery, memories. At least here he could just be himself, the man that was left when all that was imposed on him by society was lifted. Just James. A man. A man in love. In love with another man. Tom. Tom. That one name filled his heart and mind and found its way to his lips. Tom. My love. Tom.

            “Tom. I… God… Tom. Tom.” he moaned as his thrusts became faster and deeper, his breathing became heavier and his hand found its way down to Tom’s hardness. Not for one moment did he close his eyes – not when he was kissing Tom, not when he felt the complete loss of control approaching him, and not when his release hit him with an unearthly force that made him gasp loudly “Tom… Tom… I… oh, Tom… I love you…” He put his heart in Tom’s care – irrevocably. Forever.

            Tom was quite amazed at the pleasure he found in this. He found himself unable to break eye contact with James, and clinging to the other man for dear life. He was keening, and moaning. Begging for more, begging James not to stop. It felt so good. The pain was long forgotten, now all that was left was a white hot pleasure that hit him in waves over and over again. The mere thought of what they were doing was overwhelming. James was inside him. James was buried deep inside his body, it was like they were one being. They could get no closer than they were now... there was nothing between them. No walls, no social boundaries... their souls twined like the sweat on their skin, mixing and becoming something entirely different. One bond, one life...

            Tom lost all manner of thinking when James finally took hold of his swollen member, it was all too much to bear. He wouldn't be able to hold it in. And then... then James said it. Tom had known it, of course... but to actually hear them. To hear James speak those three simple words... Tom was broken. With an earth shattering cry he peaked, unable to let go of James. His legs trembling, in fact he was shaken to his very core. Tears streaming down his face from the pure intensity of his raw emotions. There was no other way to express them, so his body let it pour from his in salty crystals.

            "I love you too James. I love you, I love you..." He kissed over the other man's face, dropping his head back onto the pillows, finally letting his eyes shut. "Forever... always and forever..." He whispered.

            It took quite some time for James to get his breathing back to normal and his mind working properly again. He had never in his life felt so intense emotions and especially not such intense happiness. This was a miracle. He leaned down to kiss away Tom’s tears and smiled against his lover’s scar.

            “I love you, Tom.” It was amazing how easily it rolled off his lips now that Tom had shaken his walls, loosening some of the bricks and letting light seep inside. He never would have thought that the day would come when he said those words again. There was only one person who had ever heard those words from him. Not his mother, certainly not his father, and not even Dan… no, it was his brother, Joseph, his hero, his best friend, until… until that fatal day when his affair with Dan was discovered. Joseph was furious and disgusted, and could never look at James without contempt and hatred again. Joseph was the only one who James had let close and he was betrayed. But not this time, Tom was different, Tom would not leave him…

            “I love you.” he said it again and again, just like a boy who can’t get enough of his new and exciting toy. “I love you.”

            Tom was grinning like an idiot, even if a sleepy one. He pulled James down to rest on top of him, he didn't care about the weight... and he really didn't want James to leave his body. He drew their heads together, just wanting to be close.

            "Those words have never sounded better than from your lips." He whispered, kissing him softly. "Nothing is a sweet as you." He purred, feeling quite flowery in his current state. "My sweet, sweet, James. My handsome, brave captain..." He relaxed back against the bed, caressing James' back. "I would follow you to the ends of the earth and back... through heaven and hell as long as I am by your side, I shall be at peace." His other hand cupping James' face, he looked at him for a long moment, smile softened. "Never go where I cannot follow..." He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this man. No matter how long or short it may be. He knew, no other would ever mean so much to him as this man. There was nothing he wouldn't do for him, there was not anything he would not give for him. He knew now, that James would be his ultimate weakness, and perhaps his downfall. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

            James knew, this was not a promise he could make, he didn’t have the power, no matter how much he wanted to. But he also knew that nothing, not even death could come between them. He knew that if he were to leave this life first, not even the heaviest chains of death could hold him back from calling out to Tom from the other side and if he was to be the one left alone in the land of the living, he would scream for Tom’s ghost to haunt him, torture him into madness with his presence until taking his own life wouldn’t look like an ugly, rotting corpse but had the soft face of his lover. So he looked deep into Tom’s eyes and with all the sincerity of his heart said: “I promise.” And he leaned down for another kiss.