InsaneJournal

Ten

Will was restless all day and couldn’t sleep all night. He was confused and didn’t know how to feel. It was easy to let a saviour angel inside his world after seeing the man he loved with his lover. It was easy to play the knight in shining armour to a nice girl, who seemed to have had a difficult life. It was even easy to gallantly forgive said girl after realizing that she wasn’t even a she. But later, in the dark silence of the night he started thinking and questioning all his decisions. After a sleepless night full of demons he wasn’t in a very good mood the next day. And it didn’t help either that he ran into James as he was heading to meet Mary as promised. They didn’t speak but seeing James was still hard and he ran the rest of the way to the agreed place.

Mary was sitting on a log, staring at her feet. Tom had surprised her with some fine clothing from the Hamptons, and the pirate ship... since all that was in the ship was now the navy's he'd snatched up the clothing, sure she would look stunning in it. Now she wore a blue gown, with cream ruffles... She looked utterly breathtaking in it. With that angelic face, the sun glistening over the water behind her. That naturally curly hair not attempted to be pulled back as usually, but falling down just a little past her shoulders. She had to be an angel, had to be. She was an unearthly beauty... and the fact that she was male, and still earth shatteringly beautiful... heaven must have sent her. She had a basket next to her, food... if Will felt like eating... nothing much, leftovers from dinner the night before. But ham was good cold. She'd saved some apple pie just for Will, and had brought bread, cheese, and other toppings as well as freshly made mustard for them to make sandwiches, as well as some wine and mugs... not as fancy as for the higher class men, but she figure Will would not mind.

When Will arrived and saw her sitting there, he stopped abruptly, breathing heavily from running most of the way. He wanted to say something to make her aware of his presence, a ‘good morning’ would have been fine for a start. But somehow in just one moment he forgot how to speak. He had never in his life seen anything as beautiful as Mary was that moment. Her dress was simply amazing and it only highlighted her natural beauty. For a moment Will forgot who she really was. It just didn’t seem possible.

“How can you be so beautiful?” he said out loud without even realizing it. Of course, he blushed immediately and tried to hide his embarrassment by rambling. “I mean, good morning. I didn’t expect you to be here already. Did you sleep well? I didn’t. I don’t mean… I mean… anyway and then I ran into James on the way and it… it still makes me forget how to breathe… and then seeing you sitting here, so… so unearthly, so amazingly beautiful… I… and now I’ve made a complete fool out of myself, great. Do you want me to just go and shoot myself?”

Mary jumped when she realized Will had been there, a blush flushing her cheeks as the words set in. She was nothing special, she was sure of it. Or so she was always made to believe.

"If you shot yourself... I wouldn't be able to see you anymore... and I don't think I'm quite willing to give up your presence so long as you allow me in it." She stood slowly, seeming to glide over to Will, a trick of the fabric. Her head hung low, hiding behind her hair. A fair and mournful face. "I didn't sleep well either..." She admitted, "No, I did not sleep at all. No matter how I tried." She swallowed, fidgeting. "I... I was afraid you wouldn't come... I... I wouldn't have blamed you... I... I mean... I should have trusted your word... but... I was so afraid, Mr. Turner... I... it's just... everyone leaves me some how... I'm just so used to everyone being the same. I'm sorry..."

“Are we back on the last name basis now?” Will asked as he stepped closer to her. He raised his hand to touch her cheek but instead he just let his fingers run over the edge of her dress, careful not to touch skin. But then he suddenly took back some steps and looked away from her as if he was waiting for some answer from the sea. “What is it about you, Mary, that makes me trust you even if I have all the reason not to? Why did I think of you all night? Why did I come when I had every intention not to?” he sighed and looked at her. “I won’t leave you, Mary. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. You don’t even have to explain anything. It doesn’t matter. I’m staying. Provided you never call me Mr. Turner again.”

"I'm sorry, it's a force of habit... Will." She finally looked up at him. "I shall not doubt you again, yet another habit of mine..." She moved towards him, just a step... just wanting to be near him. She didn't quite understand why. It was unnatural. “I want to explain... I.. I want you to know... me. I don't want to hide from everyone... I... I want at least one person to know me in this world... and I think there is no better man to let in, than you... I could not tell you why..." She paused thinking about something Will had said. "You... you thought of me last night?" She looked a bit surprised. It was an oddly lovely idea. She couldn't help but wonder what Will was thinking, But wouldn't dare ask. Definitely not.

 “I did.” Will blushed again. “I won’t pretend they were all nice and fluffy thoughts. I won’t lie to you, Mary.” The way you lied to me. It was there, he felt how that sentence he didn’t say and didn’t want to think was there between them, and she must have felt it too. “Mostly I was angry. Not at you, no. At myself or fate… I don’t know. I was angry that everything in my life has to be so bloody complicated.” He chuckled humourlessly. “And I admit I was confused. I still am. I don’t know what to feel. And not only about who you are. That’s only part of it. I still love James. My heart almost stopped beating when I saw him this morning. But all night I could only think of seeing you again. I like you… a lot. But don’t expect much from me soon, ok? I don’t want to disappoint you.”

"I don't expect anything from you, Will. I come to you with nothing, and I ask for nothing in return." She moved back to the log, and sat down, sitting the way she had been when Will showed up. "I told you straight away, because I didn't want a lie between us. Please understand, I did not announce it to you because... well look at me! I'm not normal, they hang men for loving other men... imagine what they would do to someone as sick as I am... to dress and play the part of a woman... it would mean a fate worse than death. How could I tell someone I do not know, when I have not even revealed my true self to my master. But then... then you were just so... and then... so kind to listen to my ramblings... and you kissed me... a way I have never been kissed. You looked at me, and still wanted to kiss me, so sweetly... and you were not clouded by drink... and you did not want everything in that moment... you did not, make me..." She looked away, ashamed. "And most of all... you wanted to see me again..." She felt tears once more, and she looked at Will. Her eyes glistened in the sunlight with tears she did not let fall. "That... it meant so much to me. I could not bear to lie to you. I could not bear allowing you to think I was something I am not. And I... was so afraid that if you knew, you would not want me anymore. Because who would? How can you stand to look at a monster such as myself? How can you touch me so tenderly when I am tainted beyond repair? I... I still fear that you will not like me if I tell you the dark secrets of my past. But I... am willing to tell you my soul... just so I might feel such soft caresses... that I might, see you again... that perhaps in time, you would not shudder away from the wicked thing that I am."

“Mary, please, I don’t blame you in any way for not telling me. And I don’t see you as a monster. That’s the last thing you are. If I look at you I see an angel, innocent and pure.” Will said moving close to her and taking her in his arms – even if a bit uncertainly. “But it doesn’t make it easier to understand and accept. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a man or a woman. I don’t care. But… but it’s difficult to understand that… that you can be both. I still can’t really see you as a man. It’s… it’s hard. I admit. And I don’t know whether I can ever get used to it. But… I care about you. I want to be close to you. And I want to understand, I really do. But as I said, I won’t force you to tell me about your past. I can wait. You don’t have to prove anything to me.” he said softly kissing Mary’s forehead.

Mary leaned against him, trying so hard not to let those tears fall. He still held her, even knowing what she was. He still touched her. She couldn't help but cling to him, as if for dear life. As if, he'd disappear if she let him go. She didn't know what do say, so she thought, perhaps just to start from the beginning.

"I didn't know, for some time... that I was not a girl. My mother, she was beautiful... so very beautiful. She worked the streets of our port... and my father, he was a drunken bastard that wasn't worth a dime. It was only for my mother that we lived... She would work all night, and then he'd drink the few pennies she earned away. My father wasn't around when I was born, she had me on her own... the man came home in the night, and announced that he'd gambled away their first born son, and that that's what she'd better have. But mother, she was clever. She told him it was too late, and that they had themselves a new little daughter. And that was me... that's when the name I'd only had a few hours became another. Da, he was furious... don't think neither of us would have made it if it weren’t for some sailor passing on the street that helped us out... burst into the house, and knocked my father clean out.

He left after that. Didn’t come back for a long time. And Mama raised her little baby girl. She couldn't be anything else now, because it wasn't safe no more. And we suffered until I didn't have to be at her side anymore... it was about that time, that Da came back... and Mama just didn't have the heart for it anymore... she fell sick and died when I was five... And I was left with him... not for long though... he sold me off... And I went on my first ship, being sent to start working for some old coot. I never met the lady, but I got bread every day, sometimes leftovers the dogs didn't finish, and they let me sleep by the coals at night. She died too though, a couple years later, and I was shipped off again... but we never made it... pirates got us first... and not many were left... but the captain, for some reason took a shining to me... and it wasn't so bad for a while. I was never afraid of them, it was the company that was worse... they got the ship not long after, and sunk it to the depths... the lot was taken prisoner, and we were taken to the closest East India quarters.

I don't know what happened to the others... but like the captain... there was a man who took a shinin' to me. Was a clerk... but he wasn't the same, he didn't want a fiery little girl for laughs..." Her body tensed as the memories flashed in her mind. "No... not for laughs..." She paused a long time, clamping her eyes shut. "That's how I found out I wasn't a girl in the least... he was angry at first, if you ever saw my back..." She thought of all the many scars on her back from being lashed to within an inch of her little life. "He changed his mind about not liking me though... I think for a year of my life, I never left his room... he branded me like the rest of the pirates... but left his mark too... I remember... how he kept rubbing against the burns... I remember him saying... saying... no one will ever want you now... and he was right... I got him with a brady snifter over the head... I couldn't dress like a boy though... I... I don't know how to be a boy.

So I managed to get to Tortuga... but it was no place for me... I was thieving for food... I slept in the alleys... but it wasn't even a month before alleys weren't safe. They find you there... they find you wherever you go... I... there was never an end to it. I stopped fighting after a while. Less bruises and cuts... I couldn't get off, pirates and their notion that women on ships is bad luck. I only managed to get to England when I was sixteen... I started as a maid... and... and I could do that. And it got me clothes, and food... but it didn't last... the master... he was a drunkard like my Da... and the maids said he did it to them all after a few too many...  but I couldn't take it no more. So I thought... I'd try just one more time... at life... and I sold what little I had, and I came here... I'm twenty in two years, and I am nothing as I should be at twenty... I..." A sigh... "That's it... I am no angel... no beauty... I am a wilted rose who was plucked up, and then forgotten by the world..."

Will didn’t really know what to do. He just listened in silence and held her hand all along. His grip only loosened a bit as she talked of pirates. He couldn’t help it. He could cope with her being a man in woman’s clothing. He could cope with her having been with men several times. But as soon as he heard the word pirate his heart went cold and he had to remind himself not to let go of her hand. He waited patiently for her to finish and when she did, he said just like after their first kiss: “Thank you.” Strangely enough even if this was clumsiest sentence he could have said, it felt like the only proper thing to say. He slowly raised his hand, turned Mary’s head towards him and looked deep into her eyes.

“Don’t let the past dictate, who you are. Especially if what happened in the past is not your fault. You can’t make it undone but you can’t blame yourself either.” He smiled softly. “I’ve learned that from James. He showed me how to keep my demons at bay, something he probably never could manage with his own.” He sighed and let his fingers run through her hair. “Purity is in the heart, Mary, not in the body. People tend to forget that, I do too sometimes, but it’s true. What has happened to you before only shows how much evil there is in the world. And… I…”

He didn’t know what he wanted to say. He didn’t know how to put his confused feelings into words. And it didn’t help that his chest felt tight at the thought of how much Mary had had to suffer. So he decided to show it instead and leaned closer, brushing his lips against hers, waiting for silent permission to turn it into a real kiss.

She hesitated for a moment. Will wasn't them. Will wasn't going to hurt her in the way they had. Will was different. Will is different. Will... Permission was granted as she brushed her lips back against Will's, absently scooting a little closer. Hands were shy, unsure of what to do, but found themselves against Will's chest. Just palms pressing there at first, then fingers curling into clothing, pulling him towards her... but just slightly, she didn't even know she was doing it. She let her eyes fall shut, just willing to feel the moment. To know that this... everything... life... was different. For once in her life, she felt as if things... they would be alright. She suddenly wasn't afraid of what tomorrow would bring. As long as William was there to guide her, things could never be too bad. With him, she felt utterly safe. Sure, she knew Tom would never let anything happen to her while he was around... and James would probably help if he could, he was a kind man. But it didn't bring her reassurance, or security. But here, now... being so close to Will... feeling the warmth of his body not so very far from her own. She felt safe, she felt protected, she felt wanted.

Will was the one to pull away first, unsure but still smiling. “Let’s just… take it slow, ok? I… still need time to get used to… all of this.” He said letting his hands glide over the soft material of Mary’s dress. “And… I…” He sighed nervously. This was really not the moment to bring up his love for James. Yes, he did love him still. More than anything. And he still couldn’t figure out what he was feeling towards Mary. But he knew he wanted to be with her. He wanted to be the one to chase away her fears, the one to show her what love felt like. Yes, it wouldn’t be easy. And he still couldn’t really reconcile the two images he had in mind of Mary but he had hope. And it made everything so ridiculously easy. It felt good to have an arm around her, to feel her small hand on his chest, to feel the softness of her lips against his own. It felt good. It felt right.

 Mary nodded, leaning forward and resting her head on Will's chest. "I would be content to sit with you as we are now for the rest of my days..." The words were honest, she couldn't help but blush at admitting such a thing. "There has never been a moment in my life as perfect as this one... I could ask of you nothing more. You know I want nothing from you that you do not want to give."

“It’s not a question of wanting, Mary. I can’t tell my heart how to beat. But I want you. I want to spend time with you.” He said placing another soft kiss in Mary’s lips and then added with a teasing smile. “Especially if you bring food every time we meet. You really know how to get to a man’s heart. You must be famished too. It’s a proved fact that intense emotions make you hungry. Now let’s see what you brought.”

"I told you I was going to feed you, didn't I?" Mary laughed softly. She pulled the basket over to show Will the fine bits to make hearty sandwiches, and that nice red wine. "You didn't get to eat yesterday, it's only fair I bring lunch so you can actually eat it. I managed to save you a slice of pie as well... the master if seems, has an affinity for sweets. So I had to hide it from him."

“Now, then I have to try that first. Because apparently that master of yours has excellent taste. I mean look at his lover – no need to elaborate on that, his friend – that would be you, again, quite obvious, and his enemy – now, that’s me; and believe me you couldn’t wish a better enemy, because I play fair…. you know what? Better put something in my mouth before I say something equally stupid.” He laughed and attacked the food.